Conversation in the car on the way home from school this afternoon:

Laura: “Mommy, if you had to, would you fight to the death to protect me?”

Me [Thinking “WTF?”]: “Of course I would, that’s the kind of love that comes over a mother the minute she has a child.”

Laura: “The mother would do anything to protect a child? Even die?”

Me: “Well, if it came to that. But it isn’t likely that it ever would, of course. And if it did? [laughing] It would suck for you.”

Laura [laughing]: “Yeah, because I wouldn’t have a mom. It would suck for Dad too because he’d be a single dad.”

Me [I never know when to stop]: “Maybe for a while, but it would be okay if he found someone to marry eventually.”

Laura: “No way. I wouldn’t let Dad get married again.”

Me: [Thinking “Awwwww!”]

Laura: “Unless he wanted to marry katydidnot. I’d totally want him to marry her. Then The Girl and I would be sisters.”

Me: “I think Daddy will like knowing that you’ve made a selection for him. You know how he hates to shop.”


Kate, if it comes to that, I am sorry, I never did teach Tom to cook or change a roll of TP, but there are compensations. And tell the First Grader that I will bequeath my iPhone boyfriend to him because I know the First Grader loves it as much as I do. Finally, I’m thinking this is the perfect wedding cake for you:

(Pictures courtesy of Google Images.)

34 comments on “Wife Number Two Has Been Preselected for my Husband’s Convenience”

  1. My original plan for my husband, should I die first, was that he was to throw himself into the grave as they lower my casket. But now I am all about bedazzling my own urn, which would negate the lowering of the casket.

    By having your husband marry your wife, you’re keeping it all in the family in a kind of Big Love way, which is heartwarming.

  2. Okay…so if Katy is going to marry Bossy…here’s a thought…if Tom married ME, tell Laura she could live in an exotic place…and I could definitely make THAT cake!

  3. Honestly, I just peed my pants reading this I was laughing so hard. And as always, the comments are priceless. I can add nothing that has not already been said except:

  4. I brought in a 2nd wife into our home once. She was 10 months pregnant with her 4th child. So it was me with my 3 sons (8 month old baby was nursing) and hugely preggo BFF h with her 3 daughters. Let’s see: ages 5, 4, almost 4, 3, 19 months and 8 months. Add in a labor & delivery of The Boy and 2 nursing mamas. I don’t think my husband likes polygamy after all.

    Oh, wait, you meant AFTER I die.
    I’d better get working on this one.

  5. How sweet of you! When most of us (lawyers) are more concerned about drafting and revising wills and planning estates, you are busy thinking of the perfect wedding cake for two oblivious adults! That was really thoughtful! Why didn’t I think of that?

  6. Dude – if something happens to me my hubby had better be sad. And then he’d better hook up with Angelina Jolie because she’s totally hawt and my hubby deserves somebody hawt. And then if I’m a ghost I can totally watch them make out. And that would be sort of hawt. Eww. I’m a weird and sick type of voyeur, tonight. Time to go back to studying.

  7. A cupcake cake! How charming! The last time I heard of someone having a wedding cake constructed of…you know…something else it was made out of sandwiches. And the marriage didn’t last.

  8. I always tell Sam before I get on a flight without him that—should the plane go down—I want him to mourn briefly, then have a *huge* party and then quickly find himself a petite woman who rubs his feet and is even and unflappable under all circumstances but especially when it comes to malfunctioning computers.

    BTW- I’ve been lurking and I do love your new digs. Looks pretty around here!

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