The rhyming à la katydidnot is so as not to offend the delicate gender, i.e., the men folk in our family. And to evade Googling pervs. Last weekend, when my youngest brother-in-law strayed within earshot of his wife and I discussing female issues, and the organ that rhymes with flute-or-us was mentioned, his face turned whiter than the cliffs of Dover.

As I ALLUDED to last week, I had surgery to stop a great deal of gleeding from my nerve-hex. The doctor called with the lab results and everything is fine all up in there, i.e., no cancer, which news I was expecting because my last sap schmeer was clear, but I still found myself holding my breath when the doctor said, “Just a minute while I look over the biopsy results.” I could hear papers rustling over the phone. Waiting. Waiting. W.a.i.t.i.n.g. Just when I turned blue and began writhing on the floor she said, “Benign.”

Meanwhile, I’m in week four damn it FOUR did you get that? FOUR fricking FOUR weeks of gleeding and I’m so sick of it that I want a zeenus. I figure if Chas Bono can get a zeenus, so can I. Can’t I? Why not, yo?

I think before the doctors will give you a zeenus, you have to demonstrate that you have good reasons for wanting one. So I thought of the top ten reasons I want a zeenus, and here they are, presented David Letterman-style, in reverse numerical order:

10. No more shaving my legs.

9. Nobody would expect me to find things in the pantry.

8. Nobody would expect me to find things in the bathroom cabinet.

7. Nobody would expect me to find things anywhere.

6. I wouldn’t have to pluck those annoying chin hairs.

5. No more cramps. Sorry Brother-in-Law, I mean no more gramps. No, that’s not good either. No more lamps. Whatever.

4. If my zeenus itched, I could scratch it. Anywhere. Anytime.

3. I’d never have to stick another maxi pad with wings in my underpants again.

2. I wouldn’t even know why they put wings on a maxi pad.

And the number one reason I want a zeenus . . .

1. I’d have an actual shot at more than just an imaginary marriage with Adam Lambert.

What do you think? Will they give me my zeenus now?

48 comments on “Top Ten Reasons I Want a Zeenus”

  1. [CRASH!]

    Excuse me, that was me laughing and falling off my chair. I hope you get your zeenus. I’d like one too, if it meant I didn’t have to find things anymore. Or explain things. Or navigate. Or be the logical person in the house. And then I, too, could spray all over the bathroom floor.

  2. Well, sure. They’ll give you a zeenus for a price, but what will you do with your zoobs? Will you have them removed?

    In spite of all ten of your reasons, I think I’ll keep my zooters and my girly hole.

    Oh sorry. My apologies to your brother-in-law, too. I’ll keep my zussy.

    I’ve crossed the line of decency again, haven’t I? 🙂


  3. I only want a zeenus while traveling in countries where a man doesn’t need permission to skip breakfast! 😉

    You CRACK me up, and I so needed that today!

  4. Benign is such a welcome word. Yay for your nerve-hex (you’re gleeding from your nerve-hex and not your flute-or-us?)
    Regardless, four weeks of gleeding is annoying as mell. I’ve been experiencing months of un-ending meriods and I’m about ready to ask for a zeenus as well.

  5. My wife always sez:
    with one of these I can get one of those anytime…..
    but I suppose that is more like just a wee little visit.
    Of course, a San Diego woman may not know about reason number 11 for wanting a wanger:
    11. writing your name in the snow

  6. 40’s are such a fun decade, aren’t they?

    Have you ever listened to the Capitol Steps? Check out their website. They have one guy who does a hilarious routine where he switches the first consonants of most of the words and for some reason the results make everyone laugh. “Sarah Palin” was Para Sailin’ for example….

    It’s funny when he does it. I’ll try to find a clip.

  7. I had surgery 18 months ago for nonstop fluterine gleeding and after it was over I still had gleeding for another six weeks but once that was over things got much better. I’ve only had one meriod since then. If you had the same surgery I hope you have similar results.. it was so worth the ridiculous recovery time.

    Good luck with your quest for a Zeenus. Personally I wouldn’t want one. All that growing and shrinking and standing at attention and would annoy me.

  8. ROFLMAO at you and your commenters! OMG This is SOOOO funny! But seriously, as I said earlier this week- I felt better the day after my zysterectomy than I had for 2 years prior to it. Just saying. But yeah- there are times I would still like a zeenus too.
    My favorite part of the whole post? You didn’t cover up your adorable dimples with the beard and ‘stache.

  9. After just having had a baby, I would like to offer up a “here here” to #6, #3, and #2.
    Also, I totally had to think about whether or not a zeenus was an alectronic gadget, or a… you know… zeenus.

  10. You. Crack. Me. Up. (Will you get visitors because of that 2nd word?)

    ZizterECKtomy solved my problem, but that was because they goofed in zurgery… it was supposed to be ablation but the doc Poe-k’d the ablator too far, nearly taking out my inter-estins along with my zoo-terus. Nevermore.
    In the end, it was worth it, although it would have been better if they had planned to do it (recovery would have been easier, for starters).
    I love your list, but despite bouts of zeeeenus envy, I don’t really want one. Well, I do, but not in that way (and only my dh’s).

  11. Hee! I only need a zeenus for nine of those things, since I haven’t shaved my legs since 1986. And my feminine parts are still intact! 🙂

    Hearing you, yo, on the Adam Lambert detail. That might just be worth it. 😉

    So glad that everything is benign. Excuse me, I meant LEVINE.

  12. You make such a great case for getting a zeenus that I’m almost willing to give you mine. But I like it too much. You forgot to mention how much fun you could have playing with your zeenus.

    Also? No gleeding out of the zeenus. Unless there is something terribly, horribly wrong.

  13. when you get to bleeding for 18 months straight, let’s talke. Wait. No. I don’t want you to go through that. It sucked.

    Forget the zeenus. Ask for a misterhectomy instead. You still have to shave your legs, but just about everything else doesn’t matter. Except you’d still be the wrong gender for Adam. (Oh hell, just pray he has occasional straight moments and you’ll be fine)

  14. Only YOU can make me laugh over bleeding from the Curvix. Love your top 10. Especially #1. And…most importantly SO glad everything is OK. Man, you’ve had a time this year. WTF?

  15. Oooh, your #1 was GENIUS. Which rhymes [sorta] with zeenus and that starts with Z, which rhymes with T and that stands for … Too much Time on my hands this evening.

    Anyway. You’re brilliant. And I’m glad you’re alive, zeenus or no. 😀

    (There was a typo in my first comment and it made me wiggly. Like the popular zeenus! I digress)

  16. But really, think of what it be like to walk with a zeenus and having to deciding which side to part it on.

    When my father-in-law (God rest his soul) would walk in to a room full of women and nosily ask what we were discussing, we’d say “clampons”—well, you know what I mean. We didn’t bother with the euphemism. And it never failed to make him leave the room.

  17. After reading your reasons, I’ve decided I’d like a zeenus, too. I’m done with my flute-or-us, so I don’t want it anymore. However, I did pay some pretty good money for the current zoobies, so I may have to keep them.

  18. Heyyyyy, what are those wings?

    Top 5 reasons to not want a Zeenus.

    5. Wading into the frigid Kootenay Lake.

    4. Funny looking at the best of times.

    3. Prone to painful injury when playing floor hockey.

    2. Requires much much beer for some reason.

    1. Overpowers the brain and leads the owner into hot water (never me mind you)

  19. A zeenus? Really? Don’t you think it would be, like, in the way? I mean, where do you put that thing when you’re just trying to get on with your day?

    Also… you have 69 followers. Thought you’d want to know. Just saying.

  20. *snort*

    You forgot standing up to pee! This would be the BEST part of it. Especially since you’d avoid hovercraft missions in the public bathrooms where some biotch already peed all over the seat. *shudder*

    I hope your bleed-a-thon ends ASAP.

  21. I was on the subway yesterday, going in to Mass General for more exciting and fun news and a man with a very itchy zeenus scratched it…but it wasn’t enough, apparently, as he put his hand down his pants IN FRONT OF GOD AND THE WHOLE WORLD and scratched his actually zeenus, I mean to say he TOUCHED it! Then he touched the handrail on the subway and I almost tossed cookies in his general direction.

  22. The main thing is: will Tom like your zeenus? 😉

    Sorry to hear about the bleeding from your cervix. Yeah for benign. Whoops, hope your Brother-in-Law does not read comments…

    Scratching and not knowing where anything is is nice at times. We will still love your blog when you get “Chasified”.


  23. First, I’m so glad your nerve-hex and/or flute-or-an biopsy came back benign. I had a flute-or-an biopsy recently. Ouch! And also… benign.

    Second, so frickin’ funny!

    Third, love the list. You’re a genius.

    Fourth, Kate is right. Wife.

  24. i think they sell fake zeenuses at the store. i mean i think they do. not that i’ve actually ever been to that store, but i’ve heard rumors about it and all. the fake ones don’t actually work like the real ones, but you could totally scratch yourself, allow your hair to grow, and hold it up any time someone needed you to find something. you know sort of like “talk to the hand”, but “talk to the zeenus” instead. i think i might have convinced myself to go shopping…hm…

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