The rhyming à la katydidnot is so as not to offend the delicate gender, i.e., the men folk in our family. And to evade Googling pervs. Last weekend, when my youngest brother-in-law strayed within earshot of his wife and I discussing female issues, and the organ that rhymes with flute-or-us was mentioned, his face turned whiter than the cliffs of Dover.
As I ALLUDED to last week, I had surgery to stop a great deal of gleeding from my nerve-hex. The doctor called with the lab results and everything is fine all up in there, i.e., no cancer, which news I was expecting because my last sap schmeer was clear, but I still found myself holding my breath when the doctor said, “Just a minute while I look over the biopsy results.” I could hear papers rustling over the phone. Waiting. Waiting. W.a.i.t.i.n.g. Just when I turned blue and began writhing on the floor she said, “Benign.”
Meanwhile, I’m in week four damn it FOUR did you get that? FOUR fricking FOUR weeks of gleeding and I’m so sick of it that I want a zeenus. I figure if Chas Bono can get a zeenus, so can I. Can’t I? Why not, yo?
I think before the doctors will give you a zeenus, you have to demonstrate that you have good reasons for wanting one. So I thought of the top ten reasons I want a zeenus, and here they are, presented David Letterman-style, in reverse numerical order:
10. No more shaving my legs.
9. Nobody would expect me to find things in the pantry.
8. Nobody would expect me to find things in the bathroom cabinet.
7. Nobody would expect me to find things anywhere.
6. I wouldn’t have to pluck those annoying chin hairs.
5. No more cramps. Sorry Brother-in-Law, I mean no more gramps. No, that’s not good either. No more lamps. Whatever.
4. If my zeenus itched, I could scratch it. Anywhere. Anytime.
3. I’d never have to stick another maxi pad with wings in my underpants again.
2. I wouldn’t even know why they put wings on a maxi pad.
And the number one reason I want a zeenus . . .
1. I’d have an actual shot at more than just an imaginary marriage with Adam Lambert.
What do you think? Will they give me my zeenus now?