Blog This Mom! is interrupting her regularly scheduled posting to bring you this important message: TMI WARNING!

Since we are all bffs here, can I just tell you about the colonoscopy that I had today? It was followed by an endoscopy. I think. The endoscopy might have been before the colonoscopy. I’m not sure in what order the procedures were performed because first I got injectable Valium. It was a full colonoscopy and an endoscopy, and the doctor said that earned me an IV drip with a Valium chaser. You know how I once said that I could never be a rock star given my distaste for drugs? I was wrong. I would totally be a rock star if it gave me access to injectable Valium. If it weren’t for that little matter of not being able to sing or play an instrument, I’d totally be on tour right now, engaged in unprotected sex with a hot groupie or two, trashing my hotel room, and having my manager inject me with Valium. But I digress. This post is about colonoscopies, and why we need them.

Yesterday at about this time, I was considering blowing off the colonoscopy and simply opting for possible death by colon cancer. I will tell you why. To prepare for a colonoscopy, one must have no solid food for at least 24 hours, clear liquids only. Then one must drink twelve ounces of horrid stuff (Magnesium Citrate) followed by four liters of horrible stuff (TriLyte), and one must do this drinking of horrid liquid stuff and horrible liquid stuff within a five-hour time period. The horrid and horrible liquid stuff gives you a basketball-sized belly. The basketball-sized belly causes you to have to go all Nacho Libre and put on the stretchy pants. “For fun.” While wearing stretchy pants, you must drink 12 ounces of horrid stuff + 4 liters of horrible stuff without puking. It isn’t the ghastly taste of the horrid and horrible stuff that makes it so horrid and horrible so much as the sheer volume and viscosity of it. Suffice it to say it is hard to get it down and keep it down. Then you crap out 17 liters of poopy water spend hours and hours in the restroom reading Newsweek, O, People, Rolling Stone, Vanity Fair, and, finally, because you’d read everything else in there, American Girl Magazine in order to be assured of a cleansed colon for your procedure.

I was okay after drinking 12 ounces of horrid stuff, but ready to call it quits after the second glass (not the second liter, the second glass) of the 4 liters of horrible stuff. It was at that point that I noticed the part on the label that said “TriLyte™ with flavor packs is administered orally or via nasogastric tube as a gastrointestinal lavage.” WTFrick? You mean I could have simply shoved this stuff down my nose with a tube? Why didn’t they give me a tube? What if I hooked a bunch of straws together? Hmmmm. I thought this over (while trying not to yack up the horrible stuff). But what if a straw came off in my gastrointestinal tract? So I drank another glass and that caused me to wonder how bad would it be to die of colon cancer after all. But then I thought about Sharon Osbourne, and how I have a secret crush on her. In fact, let’s just be clear right here and now about this. Sharon is my Secret Girlfriend #2. I could not let her down. I went through with the procedure, first following the rules for the unpleasant preparation for it. And lived to post about it.

Now we are all supposed to have a routine colonoscopy when we turn 50. NO! I’m not 50. Ahem. Yet. But I am anemic. And when they tested certain of my bodily fluids and took samples of some of my . . . uh . . . samples, the doctor determined that I was need of an endoscopy to check for ulcers and a colonoscopy to check for other stuff that might be bleeding. Up in there. So today I had the tests. The good news? My colon is just fine, thankyouverymuch. It seems, however, that I do have a hurty in my tummy, perhaps an ulcer they said, but it looks like it is getting healy in response to the Rx tummy medicine they started giving me last week. More tests in the next few weeks will hopefully show that my tummy is still getting healy and that the Rx iron supplements I’m taking are raising my hemoglobin and hematocrit counts sufficiently such that the doctors stop poking me with stuff. At least that’s what I think the doctor said, “tummy” and “hurty” and “healy.” I was still high on Valium in the recovery room when he told me after all.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because my Secret Girlfriend #2* would want it that way. Read what she has to say about colon cancer here. And, if you’re in the mood for a laugh and haven’t read it before, read what Dave Barry has to say about colonoscopies here. Now you’ll have to excuse me, I have to go, if you know what I mean.


*FYI: You can find my Secret Girlfriend #1 over here. This guest post right here at Derfwad Manor made her my first Secret Girlfriend.

48 comments on “Threat Level Red TMI Warning!!!”

  1. I don’t suppose we can share Melanie? No?

    Didn’t think so.

    You have managed to make an entertaining post about something which I am sure you did not find entertaining.

    I too hope all the results are clear. Except for the hurty tummy thing it sounds good so far.

  2. Oh, heavens. I would like to say that we could all be Secret Girlfriends, but Cheri really has swept me off my feet with all this sexy talk of “poopy water.” I’m helpless in the face of her romantic overtures. (Mark my words, baby: the Googling freaky fetish dudes will be here within MINUTES.)

    Seriously, though, I’m sorry for your misery. Oof.

  3. I had gum surgery last year and had that Valium – YUP! Good stuff! Glad the procedure went relatively well and the results were good!

    Take care – Kellan

  4. Ok, I’ve now been right behind your name on comments from at least 3 or 4 other sites. I had to come over and see who I was following.

    You are hilarious! I’ve read several posts and had to say that I’ve enjoyed myself quite a bit!

  5. I had pethedine when I gave birth to No 1…fabulous stuff – I will never forgive Bitch Midwife from Hell for NOT lettting me have it for popping out No 2 –


    Really glad to hear your hurty is healy

  6. Cheri, I’m with you on the prep–during the prep on my most recent test (family history, so I’ve had a few)I couldn’t keep the yucky stuff down. Just. Couldn’t. Do. It. I’m glad the colon’s ok and I hope the tummy gets healy.

  7. I myself have had this procedure done but – might I add- I had mine done with out the Valium. I thought I was gonna die. I pretty sure I bit someone.

    I too am glad that your hurty is healy. (mine is too!)

    Poopy stuff is not soo fun, and drinking the stuff that makes the poopy is even less than fun. Gag-o-rama!

  8. dang gf! you make it sound like it might not be a great experience to have some sort of scope reviewing the lower gi! but my 50th is on the way and i can’t avoid it…
    i’m gonna start begging my md for some injectables for my birthday!

    thanks for the uhhhh “heads” up 🙂

  9. Holy cow! Just a few more years until that 24+ hours of bliss to jubilantly look forward to. You know, if more people knew abou the whole process (especially the drinking mass quantities of horrid and horrible), maybe someone would a)research for a better way or b) find a vaccine!

  10. Oh sweetie! The Matron has sucked down that gunk, too and then – in a horrible mistake of scheduling – had to wait for her test until 4 pm the next day! This turned into like two days without eating. Ugh. Ugh. Glad you’re okay!

  11. That sounded pretty horrendous, and if the point was to teach us all a lesson about proactive healthcare, I’m scared as shit now to get one (get it?). Ha. Not really funny.

    Glad it all ‘came out’ okay.

  12. Holy poo, crap man!!! Lame . . . I know. But I’m sleep deprived this week and never, ever try to be witty when you’re sleep deprived.

    I’m proud of you for going through with it . . . very proud. We need you around for ever and always 🙂

  13. I thought I was your secret girlfriend!

    I had a camera up my arse a few years ago when I was having lots of gastrointestinal issues. Except there was no general anesthesia or valium . . . but I did have to drink some rancid shizzle. RANCID! Granted it would have been better if I were willing to drink carbonated beverages because I think if it had bee mixed with Sprite it might have tasted less foul. But then again, maybe not.

    *shudders at the memory*

  14. Hey Cheri – Thanks for coming by and leaving the great conference advise – I might very well show up at your house – HA! Have a good weekend – Kellan

  15. Wow – was clueless about all this (seems its my day for admitting my cluelessnes – see juggling jeens comments today) good for you for going through with it and here’s hoping all turns out well. And how you can make this hilsarious is beyond me. Great post!

  16. My 25 year old brother just had one last week and I was in his bath the entire 24 hours before hand. Not. A. Pretty. Sight. A man needs to eat.

    Hope everything is well.

  17. Oh the memories! You brought it all back. My brother had colon cancer (he survived) and the rest of us had to get a colonoscopy. The prep was awful, you are right about that, BUT I FELT MINE. ALL OF IT. I KEPT SCREAMING, “Hey, this really hurts because I was WIDE AWAKE! The nurse kept saying, “you’ll be okay. It’s kinda like giving birth!” I said, “uh, I’ve NEVER given birth!”

    Turns out the drugs didn’t work. I was not knocked out. Instead, I was hyper aware, hyper awake! SO, yes, we all should get one! Just make sure your drugs work!

  18. You are very funny my dear! I had my first colonscopy this year and much like you, the prep was annoying, but the drugs were mighty fine. In my case it was Demoral. I awoke unconcerned about what the doc saw on his little video screen of my nasty parts. What I wanted was more of the nice feeling!

    But I’m okay now.

  19. Oh…the things we should do as we get older. yuck.
    I had the camera down my throat a few years ago and THAT was a tramatic experience…I’m thinking that going “the other route” might not be so bad after that.
    Let’s see….Things to Do THis year:
    1. get boobs squashed
    2. get camera “up there”.
    Gosh…it’s gonna be a fun year!!
    Hope all turns out okay.

    *Congrats on the new award…that should help you feel a little better, huh?

  20. So well written, even if it was about butts and stuff. You had my attention from start to finish! So glad to hear your colon checked out alright, and hope your ulcer heals quickly.

    My mom has to have this procedure done every few years, and dreads it BADLY for every single detail you described. Good for you for sticking it out and blogging about it 🙂

  21. i agree that the prep was worse than the procedure. especially the starvation part. but worth it for the IV valium stuff. glad it turned out ok.

  22. I once had a sigmoid colonoscopy without any lovely Valium. I can assure you I will NOT have a full colonoscopy with out at LEAST Valium. I have done the big prep thing- NOT FUN!!

    I AM glad all is mostly good. Hope that tummy continues to get healy. All this crap just bites the big one. I hate that being human means being fragile and susceptible to all this CRAP.

    Still waiting for results of MRI to shoulder.

    Peace out!

  23. Been there, done that – for both procedures. (Results good.)
    Such a well-written post about something everyone should be aware of.
    Hope the (possible?) ulcer heals quickly.

  24. I am the one who always haas to accompany my mom for this procedure. Didn’t you love the farting, oops, I mean recovery room afterwards?

  25. I had my first colonoscopy at 42 and was severely annoyed to have to endure that ritual 8 years early. As it turns out it was good that I did it… but I’m not sure the valium was a fair trade off for the preparation.

  26. oooo! I had one of those. At the ripe old age of 25. After 2 Sigmoidoscopies. Same.miserable.prep.

    I slept for the next 24 hours. I’m way impressed you were able to blog!

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