I struggle with my weight. There is a thin person inside of me and she is out from time to time. But sometimes she hides. There are all sorts of complicated issues wrapped up in the three preceding sentences. It’s really that simple.

So there’s that.

Also, I dated someone on and off for a few years while I was between husbands. The on part was understandable, I suppose, because after ending a really unfortunate marriage (to say the least) that produced two of the best now-grown-up women I know in the world (to say the least), I was desperate had no desire to date anyone for much more than a little adult companionship. The off part was understandable because we were mismatched in every way. The best part of the mismatching was that this guy totally knew how to have fun and I didn’t. At all. And I learned to have fun, which is awesome. The worst part of the mismatching was that all that this guy knew how to do at that time was have fun, and I had two young daughters and a life to get in order. My life and I may or may not have been a bit of a train wreck at the time. So as I got my life in order, he had to go. So he did, but first he cheated on me with another woman who eventually became my best friend in law school although I didn’t find out about that until I was in law school. I’m not making this up.

So there’s also that.

When I was dating this guy I was very thin, probably owing to being freshly divorcing and fraught with worry about my kids and happier than I’d ever been in my life because F.R.E.E.D.O.M. from oppression is awesome. Etc. Then this guy and I broke up for good. I went to law school. I met my then-best friend and found out she dated my ex-boyfriend while I was dating him. And I met Tom. (Tom who was and is totally hot, as pictured above in my blog masthead. Just saying.) Tom became my other best friend. I lived happily ever after. And I struggle with weight from time to time.

So there’s that, too.

Fourteen years ago, during a time that I had put on some weight and happened to be buying an ice cream cone at the Thrifty Drug Store in Beverly Hills, I turned around and there was the ex-boyfriend. It was bad enough to run into an ex-boyfriend when not looking at all hot, but did I have to be eating a double-scoop chocolate ice cream cone?

I lost weight after that and looked hot. I did not once run into him or any other ex-boyfriends while I was looking hot.

Now I have put on some weight again over recent months years.

Today, while on vacation at the family camp we have been going to every year for the past sixteen years that never before was attended by any ex-boyfriends at all, I was standing at the food counter ordering an Oreo milkshake, when I turned around and there he was. SERIOUSLY? I managed to slip away unseen, but am sure to run into him soon since this family camp is only so big.

If anyone needs me, I’m under the bed in my cabin until Saturday — or until I learn whatever lesson the Universe wants me to learn at ice cream counters that are frequented by ex-boyfriends. Also, if anyone has any insights about the mysterious lesson that has eluded me for fourteen fifty years, I took my laptop under the bed with me and the Wi-Fi signal is strong down here.

So that’s that.

31 comments on “This Could Only Happen To Me. True Story.”

  1. Karen said exactly what I was coming here to say! Be hot, be happy and enjoy your ice cream. You don’t need to impress no stinkin’ ex-boyfriends.

  2. What everyone else already said. We love you. So does everyone else who really matters. (Even though I know you still feel like– yeah, but I still want to be thinner. Which is a real feeling. But I love you no matter what, and I think your brain is totally HOT.)

  3. Pounds will come and go. Meanwhile, enjoy eating what you want while you can. Soon enough, we’ll be in nursing homes and they’ll restrict our access to the “fun” foods. Seriously. They wouldn’t allow my 90+ year old grandma to have a piece of pie! She loved pie!

  4. I am totally giggling and trying not to wake up Jay. You are gorgeous. Plus…HE was in line for ice cream and the shake as well, so you were in good company. And, you have Tom instead of this guy, which is really the best outcome. Love you 🙂

  5. I specifically left Google Reader to comment to say exactly what Karen said.

    And if this guy doesn’t see that you’re fabulous just as you are, well, he’s a douche and who cares what he thinks anyway?

  6. Enjoy that ice cream! SMILE. Be the confident women that you are. Tell him how happy you are to run into him. Introduce him to the love of your life. And your beautiful daughter. Noe that is HOT. And you will leave him shaking his head and wondering why he didn’t get his life together too! :o) Love Kellie

  7. Rima is totally spot on….he is so stalking you!!! 😉
    You…are beautiful. Weight issues? whatever.
    Next time you see him at an ice cream counter (and you WILL see him there…stalkers don’t give up just because you’re hiding under the bed, baby!)….
    look him straight in the eye, smile, toast him with whatever the flavor of the day is….and with a flip of the hair and a seductive last look over your shoulder as you walk away let him know that the ice cream is waaaay better than he ever would have been.
    Booyah!

  8. UPDATE: I came out from under the bed. Not ten minutes later, Tom and I ran into him and his wife at the salad bar. WHAT WAS HE DOING AT THE SALAD BAR? He’s only supposed to be at places where there is ice cream. Duh.

  9. I think the universe is sending you ice cream exactly when you need it. I think anytime any of us run into ex boyfriends ice cream should automatically appear in our hands –in a cone or bowl or something — so it’s not all sticky and gross. That would be embarrassing

  10. I know you are mortified but take some comfort that you have given us something to giggle about.

    And when I met you, you looked great.

    -Stu

  11. How funny! Timing!

    I personally think you are totally hot always! and there’s nothing wrong with ice cream. Scoop me up some!

    Gosh, I don’t think I’ve run into old boyfriends much, but then, I’ve fled thousands of miles from them. I’ve encountered a couple on facebook, and if there’s a contest between how I look and how they look, it seems to be a draw.

  12. I’m sorry, are you me? 🙂 I’m fairly certain I’ve done this…several times.

    And you are hot, no matter what flavor of ice cream you’re holding.

  13. I don’t even know you but laughed at your well-written series of events. My advice, however unsolicited, would be to amaze him with yourself, however thin or not. The higher road is harder to get to but so much more enjoyable…

  14. This post reminds me of the one you wrote on Spanx (sp.??) Son # 2 is getting married this month – his mother just might resort to wearing one of those things. But can you eat while wearing one?

    (yeah, i’m back…)

  15. Feel good about yourself, live long, love many, laugh often…and if anyone doesn’t appreciate you – they probably need a great deal of compassion.

  16. Nah, I’m pretty sure that’s the kind of thing that would happen to me too. The past is almost always inconvenient. Moving to another country might help. Or “loving yourself”. Whatever. 😉

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