NaBloPoMo Day Twenty-Seven:
Sex: Do You Prefer Steamed, Sautéed, or in a Casserole?

Over at Law School Sucks and So Do Lawyers, Tranny Head has announced the Great Thanksgiving Green Bean Giveaway. Readers of Tranny Head’s hawt blog know of what we speak when we say “green beans.” For the rest of you, green beans pretty much stands for sex. Hawt, huh? Tranny Head had a most noble cause in mind as she announced the Great Thanksgiving Green Bean Giveaway – to spread “green beans” across the Blogosphere and have “green beans” end up in Urban Dictionary. I can see the definition now, right next to a photo of Tranny Head’s hawt rack (because we’ve never seen her Tranny face):


A can of what you’re willing to hump when your husband is serving in the armed forces.

What you get lots and lots of when you’re husband is home on leave.

Green beans are best served hawt.

So, Tranny Head, this is for you. After you read it, send me my dang prize because based upon my helping you get green beans in the urban dictionary, I’m pretty sure that my mother-in-law will have disowned me, my children will run away from home, and my husband will . . . well, my husband will forgive me because I’m too expensive to get rid of now and he likes the way I make green beans. Here goes:

Sex: Do You Prefer Steamed, Sautéed, or in a Casserole?

In every long-term romantic relationship there are bound to be peaks and valleys, as Mrs. G. once told us. Those peaks and valleys happen in the bedroom too.

When you first fall in love, you can’t get enough of each other.

After you’ve been married for a while, you sometimes fall into a pattern.

After you’ve been married for a while longer, there are times that you fall out of the pattern.

And there are times when you fall head over heels out of the pattern.

Often it is very comfortable.

Sometimes you do it for a higher purpose.

Sometimes you do it for a lower purpose.

Usually? High or low or in between, there is one underlying reason that keeps you coming back for more.

But this one time? For me and Tom? There were multiple partners. Just thinking of the Googling pervs who will show up from that keyword search makes me {{{cringe}}}. Go away Google-searching pervs. There is nothing here for you.

One night, while I was spending some time with my laptop boyfriend, Tom came into the room. He sort of had that look in his eye, but it was really more than that look, it was that look from sixteen years ago. I recognized it as he gazed at me lovingly, and then started caressing my arm very gently, as though my bicep might be the holy grail of appendages.

Just as I was wondering what the frick had gotten into Tom, just as I was trying to figure out where this demonstration of adoration was headed, just as I was pondering why this moment was happening, just as I was attempting to over think this particular encounter like I over think everything . . . Deepak Chopra popped into my head and spoke to me. I. Swear. To. God. He. Did. And this is what he said:

So I stopped thinking and allowed myself to feel the simple joy that my husband’s love offered. After Tom stared into my eyes for a while, and rubbed my arm for another while, he took my hand and started walking with me to the bedroom. And then? He stopped six feet from the bed and started kissing me gently, and still looking into my eyes adoringly, he continued caressing me. And then? He began slowly removing my clothes.

Just as I was wondering what the frick was going on here, just as I was trying to figure out why Tom was so fervent but gentle with his kisses, just as I was attempting to unearth in my mind the purpose for which Tom was being so attentive to every detail came the moment in which I swore off reading any future Oprah’s Book Club selections for the rest of my life . . . Eckhart Tolle popped into my head and spoke to me. I. Swear. To. God. He. Did. And this is what he said:

So I stopped thinking and allowed myself to be in the present moment. I noticed that Tom was so competent and confident. I noticed how he could at once be strong and gentle. I started feeling overcome by how expertly he was handling the matters at hand. He was so attentive to every detail.

Just as I was wondering what I should do, just as I was pondering whether I should do anything, just as I was asking myself whether Tom wanted me to reap the benefits of his efforts or participate in them . . . Jesus popped into my my head and spoke to me. I. Swear. To. Uh. His. Father. He. Did. And this is what he said:

So . . . I thought about what Deepak, Eckhart, and Jesus said to me, and then I kicked everyone but Tom out of the room.

The end.

Readers, Do you prefer your green beans steamed, sautéed, or in a casserole?

(Images courtesy of Google Images.)

25 comments on “Sex: Do You Prefer Steamed, Sautéed, or in a Casserole?”

  1. You won’t believe this Cheri, but it is honest-to-Gawd-true! Me and the missus met up with a girlfriend I had in MIDDLE school (first time since 1982 or something) last week at a lesbian-vegan-bar-and-coffee shop and I SWEAR I SWEAR I SWEEEEEAR I had a green bean WRAP. With rice, veggies and fried beets.
    Ha! Kinky, eh?
    As for HAWT green beans, let’s just say they have been a breakfast favorite lately.

  2. You are so clever. And cute. Here I thought this post was going to be explicit and elicit and depraved. But it was just sweet. I’m sure your mom is proud of you.

    Good thing I didn’t go and post my story!

  3. That was better than a steamy romance novel. Better because the details were kept, you know to yourself, and yet, I know there was a happy ending. Choprah, Tolle, and Jesus are all wise men, indeed. But blogthismom is the the queen of the green beans.

    Maybe, just maybe, I oughta give in to the green bean monster myself.

  4. All I can add to this is that you need to stop reading that spiritual stuff. I didn’t understand anything in this post except that you got interrupted during the midst of important computer-based reading. Tom needs to know not to interrupt computer-based reading. (My mom is a puritan).

  5. I like surprise green beans. You know, when the hubby prepares dinner and you get to the table and can say, “ooh goody, I didn’t know we were having green beans tonight!” And beacuse you’re so happy you have two helpings.

  6. This was one of your best posts by far…too freakin’ funny!! And seriously…this was like the modern bloggy version of the “green beans on the beach” scene from “From Here to Eternity”!! We knew what was happening.but.we.really.couldn’t.see….which is fine! 😀

    And, just between you and me…I’m thinking that American green beans are, possibly, a little better than Japanese ones….haven’t had very much “Wheeeeeee” lately in my diet! Maybe in the spring when it warms up…fresh is always better than frozen.

  7. *snort*

    If only this really WERE in the Urban Dictionary. *whimper*

    That post was way hawt. Especially the parts where you get all deranged and hallucinogenic. Hallucinations and green beans are one hawt combo.

  8. Just as I hoped, you were funny & clean. I esp. liked it when Jesus showed up and then you kicked everyone out except Tom.

    Sadly, HAWT green beans can’t happen when dh has muscle spasms in his back.

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