In previous episodes with the hot toe doctor:

First my toe was red.
Then my toe turned Elphaba green.
Next my toe became Papa Smurf blue.
After that my face turned beet red when the hot toe doctor told me he’d read about our relationship my visits to his office on this blog.

So.

Just when you thought it was safe to see me in a pair of peep-toe pumps . . . comes now the return of the hot toe doctor.

The appointment began with me waiting in the examination room wearing a pair of flat, black DV for Dolce Vita sandals with hammered nickel studs, recently purchased at Nordstrom for the occasion. (No I didn’t.) (Yes I did.) (No I didn’t.)

While I waited, I peeked in my chart and read the following:

Previous examination revealed tissue apoptosis, cuticle blebbing, and nail bed necrosis. Patient presents today with general whining about joint pain, swelling, redness, and blackness to the left hallux.

Okay. Fine. I looked up all of the fancy schmancy words in Wikipedia and made up the whole peeking-in-the-chart part. (Yes I did.) (No I didn’t.) (Yes I did.) Seriously. I couldn’t have looked in my chart if I wanted to because there is no chart. The hot toe doctor has all medical records, x-rays, and such like stored electronically/digitally on the medicalviewmcbobber laptop that he carries with him. Hawt, I know. He probably keeps my records electronically stored to make it easier for him to blog about me, right?

The rest of this story is the gospel truth. (Yes it is.) (Yes it is.) (Yes it is.) (Amen.)

The hot toe doctor entered the examination room with his signature smile and hair with the perfect amount of gel expertly applied as per usual and holding the medicalviewmcbobber laptop. His scrubs were blue this time, and last time they were green, to the best of my recollection. That’s probably neither here nor there, but I thought I’d mention it in case anyone was wondering what the hot toe doctor was wearing.

Doctor: “How are you today?”

Me [staring at hair with perfect amount of gel expertly applied]: “Huh?”

Doctor: “Well, let’s have you take off your smokin’ hot sandals.”

Me [wondering if someone taught him to apply hair gel like that and, if so, who, and also, whether I could get that person to teach Tom]: “Uh, okay, um, sure.”

Doctor: “So . . .”

Me [breaking my gaze from the hair with perfect amount of gel expertly applied, looking away, looking away, oh shit, not fast enough, staring at his signature smile now]: “Huh?”

Doctor: “What’s going on with your toe?”

Me: “Huh? Oh. Um, it hurts. Real bad. And it’s red right here. And maybe black on this side.”

Doctor: “Where does it hurt?”

Me: “In the joint. If anything at all, like even these cute sandals from Nordstrom, which I’m forced to wear because even my Croc sandals touch the joint in the wrong place, and forget about shoes because shoes put too much pressure on the toenail, except for UGG boots, which I’m sick of wearing all of the time. What was I saying?”

Doctor: “Joint pain?”

Me: “Oh, yeah. If anything at all even barely touches the side of the joint, the “F” word automatically flies out of my mouth, and we can’t have that.”

Doctor: “I told you last time that you can say the “F” word if you want.”

Me: “And I told you last time that I was trying not to say it. To make up for all the times I’ve said it frivolously. I’m trying to achieve karmic balance by not saying it in relation to anything to do with this toe business.”

The hot toe doctor began caressing examining my big toe. Then he pressed on the joint.

Me [standing up and hopping away]: “F#@k! F#@k that hurts! F#@k karmic balance. F#@k!”

Doctor: “There seems to be some inflammation in the joint.”

Me [ooo, shiny, getting distracted from the intense pain by looking at hair with perfect amount of gel expertly applied]: “Um, okay, well, pain and redness, and, um, well, so, that’s inflammation? Yes, okay. Don’t touch it again because . . . .” [getting distracted again]

Doctor: “I think we need to address the inflammation.”

Me: “Address? What does this mean, this address? And how is this joint pain related to the previous toenail problem, which toenail problem actually came after the toe problem in the first place? Remember? First there was toe pain and redness, in the toe. Then there was toenail pain and greenness, in the toenail. Now there’s toe pain and redness, in the toe, again. I get that “everything’s connected” and stuff. But how? How are these things connected?”

Doctor: [caressing studying the toe and toenail] “I’m not sure, but we’ve addressed the toenail as best we can for now. Let’s see if we can relieve the pain and inflammation in the joint with a cortisone injection.”

Me: “An injection? Into the joint? With a needle? Into the painful and inflamed joint?”

Doctor: “Yes. Go ahead and get up on the table.”

Me: “You realize that I’m going to have to say the “F” word again, right? Probably multiple times even?”

Doctor: “I told you to say it as much as you want.”

He left the room to get the syringe, and I reached into my purse for my iPhone boyfriend [to comfort me] [what?], and got up on the examination table.

A few moments later, the hot toe doctor returned, armed and dangerous with a syringe.

He gave me a blindfold sprayed Lidocaine on my toe, and then fired inserted the needle.

Me: “Ow! Ow! Okay then. F#@k. F#@k. F#@kity f#@k! That f#@king hurts!”

Just when I thought I couldn’t take it any longer, I ordered him to stand down he removed the needle.

Doctor: “Hold out your foot. I’m going to caress you some more apply a bandage now.”

Me [staring at hair with perfect amount of gel expertly applied]: “Okay.”

Doctor: “Let’s see if that calms things down in your toe. Call me if you have any questions or concerns, or come in immediately if you have any problems.”

Me [staring at hair with perfect amount of gel expertly applied]: “Um, yeah, okay.”

And then? The hot toe doctor and his hair with perfect amount of gel expertly applied, walked toward the door. He paused. He turned back toward me and smiled his signature smile.

Doctor: “Keep me posted. I really want to know what the f#@k is going on with your toe.”

He really said that. (Yes he did.) (Yes he did.) (Yes he did.)

31 comments on “Return of the Hot Toe Doctor”

  1. I adore this post on so many levels. First, of course, because you read my mind and you “addressed” it with my own link. That was such a sweet thing to come from someone in so much
    f*%king pain.

    Next, I love reading about hot doctors. Especially hot toe doctors.

    Third, I love to laugh, and this made me laugh.

    Fourth, I love how you so subtly hinted that his hair was perfectly gelled.

    I hope your joint feels better.

  2. Truth time. you had your daughter run over your toe with the car just so you could go see Hot doc and share a f@*^king good time.

    Does he smell good too? Because I might have to have someone run over my toe while visiting San Diego….

  3. Perfet hair…….
    He massages your foot……
    He says the “F” word………
    Gives you ‘that’ smile……..

    I would keep smashing my toe against the wall, too………….

  4. I’m sorry that your toe is still giving you problems, but it’s really keeping me entertained.

    I wonder if “keep me posted” means he’s still reading your blog?

  5. Okay, this is a f*%$#ing awesome post, from start to finish. Can I tell you how MUCH I want to see this hot toe doctor? So much that I’m tempted to get something wrong with my toe so I have a reason. Throw my toe under a bus, so to speak. If you will. (Yes I did.)

    On a more serious note, I hope your little toe-ie gets better quick.

  6. If I ever have a toe problem, I’m flying to California to have Hot Toe Doctor treat it. Maybe I’ll drop something on it purposefully just for an excuse.

  7. Sometimes the “F” word is the only one that works.

    I hope your toe is better soon!

    Did I fail to mention that you crack me up?! (Yes. I did.) Oops. Meant to put that first!

  8. Ahhhh! That was great! So funny. I’m thinking of hitting my knee with a hammer. Really. A hammer. To the kneecap. I have JUST the doctor in mind…

    Hope your toe joint feels better… sorta.

  9. Just when I was wondering about your toe, you delivered this post. I know I should hope that your toe/foot heals nicely but I have to admit, this is too f!@!ing funny, and I would rather read new stories of encounters with the hawt doc. I’m self-absorbed, I know.

  10. I kind of love Hot Toe Doctor now.

    He and you and Very Cute Doctor and I can all go out for drinks someday. Someday when your toe no longer hurts and my back no longer hurts and we’re no longer their patients. Forget that you’re married. I think Tom would allow this.

    Does your Hot Doc hug you by any chance? Is it just me and my Very Cute Doc that do that? Is it?

    DG

    P.S. Next appt., you wanna come with me to meet Very Cute Doc? It’s May 4. 3:15. Laura can hang out with a friend, right? I mean, you’d be meeting Very Cute Doctor. That’s a good reason. I saw it in the Mommy Handbook. Chapter 2, paragraph 3: “Very Cute Doctors (and/or Hot Doctors) are an acceptable excuse for handing off your children to a neighbor or Blog Wife.”

  11. I will be planning on coming to SD in August with an ailment in my foot that will probably need to be looked at…preferably by your hawt toe doctor. Will have to have pedi first…you know…tl make a good impression.

    Did you just swoon when he dropped the F-bomb? I’ve never acutally swooned before…that would be a blog post right there.

    You’re so funny…so glad you can get a great post out of something so painful!! we thank you!

Lurkers are welcome. Commenters are welcomer.