At the gym:
Cheri: I want to buy a farm.
Alyssa: That was random.
Cheri: Not really. I’ve been feeling the need to live around tall trees. Not those little trees you find all around here in new tract housing developments, but actual trees. With shade. And I need a pond, so Laura can have ducks. I found the perfect farm. It has trees and a duck pond. And I want to buy it.
Alyssa: Where is this farm?
Cheri: It’s in upstate New York, and it is only covered in snow part of the year. It comes with a pond, a tractor, 33 acres of meadow with hay, even though I don’t know why I need hay, I just know I want it, a barn, 60 acres of woods, and an A-frame house.
Alyssa: Upstate New York? With an A-frame house? That’s the Amityville Horror house. That house will have eyes.
Cheri: Nah-uh. I can already tell that house has good karma. And it has a driveway that’s like a kilometer long, which will only be covered in snow part of the year. I need a long driveway like that. Oh, and guess what? The barn has a new studio over it, so we’ll have a place for people to stay. Will you come visit us?
Alyssa: No way. Not in Amityville with 60 acres of woods. I’m not going there. Black people are always the first to die in horror movies.
In the Bay Area last weekend, having a birthday visit with Kristen and Adam:
Kristen: Mom, are you still dreaming about owning a farm?
Cheri: Yes. And I want a tractor. You know what? I actually don’t know what a tractor does. I just know I want one.
Adam: You were born in LA.
Cheri: Okay, but really, what does a tractor do?
Adam: Pulls stuff, like a tiller, hauls hay, etc.
Cheri: Why can’t I just do that stuff in my Volvo?
Kristen: Listening to your Mamma Mia soundtrack, wearing Chanel sunglasses and UGG boots, and holding your Starbucks coffee mug.
Adam: The airbags would interfere with your big straw hat.
Tom: Tilling in the Volvo would decrease your chances of getting hit by lightning.
Kristen: If you’re hauling hay in the Volvo, your butt crack won’t show.
Laura: Can I use your laptop to watch YouTube?
Cheri [typing]: Not right now. I’m writing down what everyone is saying.
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