At the gym:

Cheri: I want to buy a farm.

Alyssa: That was random.

Cheri: Not really. I’ve been feeling the need to live around tall trees. Not those little trees you find all around here in new tract housing developments, but actual trees. With shade. And I need a pond, so Laura can have ducks. I found the perfect farm. It has trees and a duck pond. And I want to buy it.

Alyssa: Where is this farm?

Cheri: It’s in upstate New York, and it is only covered in snow part of the year. It comes with a pond, a tractor, 33 acres of meadow with hay, even though I don’t know why I need hay, I just know I want it, a barn, 60 acres of woods, and an A-frame house.

Alyssa: Upstate New York? With an A-frame house? That’s the Amityville Horror house. That house will have eyes.

Cheri: Nah-uh. I can already tell that house has good karma. And it has a driveway that’s like a kilometer long, which will only be covered in snow part of the year. I need a long driveway like that. Oh, and guess what? The barn has a new studio over it, so we’ll have a place for people to stay. Will you come visit us?

Alyssa: No way. Not in Amityville with 60 acres of woods. I’m not going there. Black people are always the first to die in horror movies.


In the Bay Area last weekend, having a birthday visit with Kristen and Adam:

Kristen: Mom, are you still dreaming about owning a farm?

Cheri: Yes. And I want a tractor. You know what? I actually don’t know what a tractor does. I just know I want one.

Adam: You were born in LA.

Cheri: Okay, but really, what does a tractor do?

Adam: Pulls stuff, like a tiller, hauls hay, etc.

Cheri: Why can’t I just do that stuff in my Volvo?

Kristen: Listening to your Mamma Mia soundtrack, wearing Chanel sunglasses and UGG boots, and holding your Starbucks coffee mug.

Adam: The airbags would interfere with your big straw hat.

Tom: Tilling in the Volvo would decrease your chances of getting hit by lightning.

Kristen: If you’re hauling hay in the Volvo, your butt crack won’t show.

Laura: Can I use your laptop to watch YouTube?

Cheri [typing]: Not right now. I’m writing down what everyone is saying.

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27 comments on “People, I Just Want to Buy the Farm”

  1. See, that’s the cool thing: the tractor has all sorts of detachable (and attachable!) parts. Some days? You blow snow. Other days? Haul some dirt in the little trailer. Maybe next week? Haul some logs. Potholes in the driveway? Scoop gravel with the bucket loader, then use the scraper to smooth it out. My dad is OLD, but he finds all kinds of ways to play with the tractor. And in this picture? That’s me playing with the tractor AND the snow. I wonder how you got the top pic and added the smiley face? The pond, frozen only 8 months of the year, good for swimming about one day a year (refreshing!) is in the foreground of that pic.
    My parents, of course, being contrary, pulled it off the market as soon as they had an offer, the week after they decided to sell, but don’t worry, that’s just because the weather has been good. Just wait till the snow and/or mud arrives…

  2. I lived in upstate New York for a year – actually it was in the Finger Lakes region. My husband was doing a post-doc at Cornell, and I was pregnant with our son.

    We lived in an 1850’s wooden house, “Italianate” style, with a cupola on top, just next to the creek at the bottom of the gorge in downtown Ithaca. Let me tell you – winters were DAMN COLD! our monthly heating bills were higher than our rent, and this with turning the thermo down so low we wore sweaters.

    then in the summer we lived in the country, in a student apartment that had been made from a barn on a farm property. Summer was roasting – and humid, muggy.

    It was beautiful all right, but after Southern CA weather, adjusting to the weather up there is a challenge.

  3. hah! I love it!

    I’m at the studio now and literally had to hold my giggles in because.. well people are working out.

    Gah, my picture needs to die a fiery death.

  4. Maybe you need a country vacation or one of those places where you churn your own butter.

    I think it’s a sign of the times. I ready to live out far, far away and grow my own veggies.

    The news each day does that to me.

  5. You sound like my husband. He always wants to buy a farm. Lord help me.

    That is a tractor with a plow attachment (and possibly a blower attachment, I couldn’t tell). 🙂

  6. Cheri, You are just having a birthday related mid-life crisis. Get a blowdryer…or a new vacuum cleaner or hee hee a vibrator with lots of attachments and be done with it. AND you’re not moving (but if you do I will live in the studio with Henry and we will home school The Rat and Hen. K?

  7. We don’t usually measure in KM in upstate NY, but the driveway isn’t as long as a mile, and it sounds cool to say one kilometer. My mom calls today, and we’re talking about this very farm? Now she says they want to sell again, but maybe in the spring, but nobody will have any money. I try to explain that my pal Cheri is very motivated.
    It would make a fab colony of some sort for dozens of bloggers of any stripe. The tractor is easy to learn, people can share it.
    G, I live in Ithaca myself, the farm is an hour east. Ithaca is the bees knees. An hour east is arctic and isolated! (I have to tell Cheri the truth, maybe she wants arctic and isolated?)
    And bunny, maybe this a regional dialect thing: we say bucket loader, you say loader bucket!

  8. This post reminded me of that Diane Keaton movie where she’s this big business exec and some cousin of hers in England dies and her baby goes to Diane to be adopted and then she leaves New York for Vermont…..A FARM…really…you need to watch that…ah-yup you do!

    IF you do “buy the farm” (oh my!) **you better practice being cold..go to the grocery store and ask to stand in the meat locker for awhile everyday, you know, to build up your stamina and
    **make sure there is room for visitors (but I won’t be there in winter, because, I’ve become acclimated to the warm weather and even looking at pictures of snow make me cold)
    Good luck with this…oh…and how’s the “birthday week” going? hope you are having a good one!

    Me? I’m being “a bitch” and loving it AND my new bag!! **mwah** to you!! e-mail later…

  9. If you get the farm, I’ll definitely come stay in your loft. I’m not scared. I don’t think they kill Jews in those movies, at least I don’t remember it ever being mentioned. (And here’s a little fact you probably didn’t know about me: I did one of my Ph.D. qualifying exams on horror film! :))

  10. You’re a funny one. I agree with Alyssa about the creepy factor of that particular farm. Maybe you need one in the midwest, or California – like near Ellen Degeneres. That would be fun…

    Wonderful post!

  11. Mrs. G’s Women’s Colony! Go for it!

    Ithaca is heaven, no matter what g says, by the way.

    Funny, but I just ran into someone here who just bought a farm up in Ithaca (near Buttermilk Falls – sigh)…maybe it’s a trend…

  12. That is awesome. The gym convo . . . riotous.

    Seriously, I remember this OLD comedy bit from Eddie Murphy about the Amityville house . . . wonder if it is on YouTube?

    Nope, can’t (though I am sure some 12-year-old could), but here is the skit (I JUST have to share):

    [normal voice] It’s real scary. You know what I was wondering about movies? I was watching those movies — I’m moving out of my house, I was watching movies like Poltergeist and Amityville Horror. Why don’t the people just get the hell out of the house? … You can’t make a horror movie with black people in it ‘cuz the movie’d stop, you’d see ’em runnin’ down the street, the movie’s over! … That’s the movie. You can’t have a movie like that. See, white people, you all sit on the toilet, see blood in the toilet, and you all go get Ajax. … Brothers won’t sit on the toilet. … Movie be just like this: [brother’s voice] “Wow, baby, this is beautiful. We got chandelier hangin’ up here, kids outside playin’, it’s a beautiful neighborhood, I really love – this is beaut–” [demonic whisper] “Get out!” [brother’s voice] “Too bad we can’t stay, baby.” [instantly spins, starts walking upstage] … [cheers and applause, Eddie returns to face the crowd, wipes his nose]

  13. I’m getting all agitated Down South because it’s still so effing hot. It’s supposed to be almost 90 degrees here this week. That’s just not fall weather. I need seasons.

    That being said – my uncle fooled my city-slicker ass when I was a kid by telling me he had a deer named John. Who was green. I was so mad when I found out it was a tractor.

    Ah, to be a gullible kid.

  14. How funny! We have a farm, a tractor, hay and a creek running through it. It is without snow for about 6 or so months per year and is located 10 minutes from city limits. Yet we don’t live there. Each time we are about to do a reno on this house, we debate whether to build instead at the farm. We don’t live there. The city always wins the list with the greater pros than cons.

    Now, don’t you feel better?

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