I am cleaning and decluttering my house because my butt looks fat and I have piles of crap suppressing my spirit. Apparently, the butt fat will disappear and my spirits will soar in the absence of clutter. Also, apparently, there will be economic wealth freed up from the hidden resources trapped in and under these piles of crap. (Thank you, Oprah. Thank you, Peter Walsh.)

After two+ weeks of cleaning and decluttering, I looked around and started to feel anxious and overwhelmed at how much more there is to do. And then? I remembered that my thoughts are energy, and what I think will manifest itself in my life. (Thank you, Oprah. Thank you, James Arthur Ray.) So I gently hugged myself and said: “Look what you’ve accomplished! Keep going. One pile at a time.” Each day, or nearly every day, I tackle another pile, a drawer, a cabinet, or a shelf. One day pile at a time.

Also, after two+ weeks of cleaning and decluttering, I have this to report: My butt is still fat AND I have an effing headache suppressing my spirit. Moreover, I can’t find a gosh-darned thing, because someone has moved the piles of crap. Apparently, there is wealth though. I found $60 in cash and . . . the Girl’s library card under the bookcase in the Black Hole the Rat’s nest Laura’s room.

Dear Wife,

Can we meet for coffee? The caffeine ought to help my headache, and I can give back the Girl’s library card. It will be my treat because $60 in cash.

Love, Wife

P.S. I probably shouldn’t watch today’s Oprah show or I’ll end up joining Jenny Craig, signing up for NutriSystem, or opting for a gastric bypass. Just saying.
(Pictures courtesy of Google Images.)

45 comments on “Oprah, What Should I Do For a Headache?”

  1. I’m trusting Jenn’s judgment that your ass and your house look “damn good!” (I know Jenn always tells the truth!)

    As for the headache, diet coke usually gets rid of mine. Oh, that’s when the diet coke is not causing the headache. Nevermind. Stay away from diet coke.

    But can you come help me declutter? I’m getting ready to paint the place next week.

  2. Hey maybe if you watch Oprah today someone will give you a car. And you can declutter by giving it to me!

    That’s what basements and garages are for…

  3. I was seriously considering a good spring de-cluttering… but I don’t wanna. I don’t.

    I like my piles.

    I like my fat ass.

    I like sitting my fat ass on my piles of clutter.

    I know where my stuff is… I can find it because it’s under my fat ass.

  4. I just bought a $30 colon cleanse/diet start system and the health food store. I was hoping that the reverse would happen: that taking it would make the clutter appear smaller.

  5. Folks: I am coming clean here. Trust me when I tell you that between the pics in the swimming pool that Gary mentioned and now, my butt has been involved in celebrations for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, two family birthdays, Valentine’s Day, as well as a brief foray into a box of Tagalongs. As for my house, Jenn, you didn’t open any closets or drawers. 🙂

  6. If you are me, then the reason you have a headache is because of the effing dust attacking you as you clean, because you never ever ever dust and now the dust is striking back. Or maybe that’s just me.

    I started to sort shit into two piles: goodwill and garage sale. Then I said screw the stupid garage sale, who has time for that, and it all became goodwill. Today a girlfriend of mine came with her pickup truck and hauled it all away to her basement for a garage sale, so I am now being forced to participate in a stupid garage sale against my will. Friends are so overrated.

    PS: my butt shows no appreciable change in size after all of this.

  7. so, this is why i watch dr. phil instead of oprah. dr. phil just has people like gloria alread and that hot doctor from the bachelor. who are so ridiculous that one would never be inspired to do as they say. one is just inspired to snort derisively in their general direction.

  8. frick. i totally googled gloria allred’s name spelling and then forgot to go back and change it. i was too busy going back in adding e’s. because thr’s somthing stuck undr my ‘e’ ky.

  9. katydidnot:

    I’m bummed that although I deceptively linked to it, I actually missed The Secret show. I think that if I had seen it, it would have changed my life.

    Also, is it flaxseed in your keyboard? Hold your laptop upside down and blow the keyboard. Yes, blow your computer. I don’t call mine my laptop boyfriend for nothing.

  10. Only take Oprah’s advice regarding books – and even do that with caution.
    If de-cluttering has become an addiction, let your next step be collecting ALL loose change (in jars, etc.). We made $249.00. Beats your $60.00!

  11. Fat ass? Not believing it. Not.

    As far as decluttering goes… I stand in admiration. You are obviously the white tornado.

    I, myself, am doing small declutter projects- motivated by my mom coming to visit this weekend!

  12. I’m on a decluttering binge too and I think it’s actually making my ass bigger. I have a closet full of clothes and nothing to wear so I’m hauling it all to goodwill. I still won’t have anything to wear but at least I won’t have to choose between losing weight or gaining weight in order to fit into something.

    I hope your headache improves. You should definitely stop decluttering until it does.

  13. A nice cup of coffee is always better than cleaning.

    Your pool pictures prove you don’t have a fat ass. I can not vouch for the cleanliness of your house though.


  14. I was just embarking on the de-clutter venture when I came across this post. Thank you for saving me from losing myself in the challenge, only to find a still big butt and $60. I think I’ll leave the piles where they are. Very funny post!

  15. This post has motivated me. I bought “The Master Cleanse” and went apeshit on the boys. Chris promised to do the lemonade diet with me this weekend and the boys have promised to go through their desk drawers and toys. My family thanks you. Your butt is beautiful. Your wife is lucky.

  16. Hey! Peter was on Steve & Chris and said that the most horrible clutter he’s witnessed are women who are overwhelmed with work/life balance issues! You need to check Peter out more carefully!

  17. Good job with the house!!
    De-cluttering has saved my life!! Seriously!! Sounds silly but we now live in a house where my in-laws could call from 5 minutes away and we could easily invite them in…to EVERY room!!!

    As for the bum…you always think it’s worse than what it is!!! We could share…I don’t have one but let me tell you about my huge ribcage and broad shoulders!!!

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