NaBloPoMo Day Two:
One Toe Out of the Closet

Ever since I met Deb at San Diego Momma, I have felt the urge to come out of the closet.

Hold on.

Don’t go there.

Just because I wrote this, and love her, and her, and married her, does not mean I’m a closet lesbian. (And, even if I were a closet lesbian, no Jason, you can’t have Tom, you’re married and so is he.)

Deb at San Diego Momma is a self-admitted hypochondriac. (Except that I don’t think she is, and I always try to help her diagnose what ails her.) Not that I haven’t always been one, it is just that Deb has made me feel free to admit it. So, out of the closet I come to admit that I too am a hypo . . .

Wait a minute.


Actually? I’m admitting nothing. If those years in law school taught me anything, it was never to make an admission against self-interest.

So let’s get one thing (besides me) straight: When I say that I am afflicted with some weird medical condition, I am afflicted.

Now that we have that out of the way, can someone please tell me what is wrong with my big toe?

Fig. 1 (unretouched photo):
Fig. 2 (afflicted toe compared to healthy toe):

Here is what I have come up with so far:

Symptoms: Sudden onset of pain and swelling and redness. The redness is spreading and the pain has grown worse. It all started on Wednesday with just hurting and complaining.

Solution: Google symptoms.

Tentative Google Diagnosis: Gout.

But? Gout is usually found in patients who are (1) old men, (2) with high blood pressure, and (3) who drink lots of alcohol. I am an (1) old woman, (2) with the blood pressure of a corpse, and (3) I drink lots of green tea. WTFrick?

So, I’m thinking that if it isn’t gout, it might be either necrotizing fasciitis or cellulitis, and, either way, I’m hosed.

Readers, what do you think?

Please take the poll:

1. Gout – Make retirement home reservations now.
2. Necrotizing faciitis – Order casket now.
3. Cellulitis – That’s what you get for voting NO on Prop 8.
4. Idiopathic sore toe – Shut up and get a pedicure.

39 comments on “One Toe Out of the Closet”

  1. Hello, found you from the Jason Show. Looks like something you need to put neosporin on for a few days. It looks like a case of ingrown toenail, but it is in the wrong spot. Have you been messing with the cuticles of your toe?

    Apply neosporin twice a day, take two aspirin and call me in the morning.

  2. Janet: Ack! Maybe it was one of those plastic Halloween decoration spiders . . .

    Jamie: Ack! Eew! Nooooooo . . . I have one those kits, but I’m always forgetting to bring it in the place and I only remember after my feet are soaking and I don’t want to run to the car. I never remember to bring in my reusable bags to the market either, but my feet aren’t wet and I can run back to the car, which enables me to multitask, i.e., grocery shopping and cardio at the same time. Wait. What were we talking about?

  3. DO NOT let them trim the cuticles when you get a pedi. because that’s totally what it is, she trimmed and infected your cuticle. for sure.

    except it might be a spider bite.
    or one of the things you said.
    or one of the things someone else said.

    i vote for soaking it in epsom salts, neosporin and absolutely NO household chores. sorry, tom, suck it up, do the dishes and the laundry. take one for the team.

  4. It’s an infected cuticle from your most recent pedicure or a flesh eating virus. Or maybe leprosy. Or maybe I have been watching too many medical shows on TV.

    Have you been to Southeast Asia lately? The kid on House got leprosy from his Dad after he went to a dirty Ashram…

  5. katydidnot, jenn, trish:

    Pedicuremyolitis rigormortis?


    But it has been like three weeks since my last pedicure.


    I don’t let them cut my cuticles.

    Hey. Maybe they cut my cuticles when I was playing with my iPhone boyfriend and not paying attention to whether or not I was being exposed to a fatal foot illness.

  6. Ok, you are going to hate me for this. Your toenails are so cute but you are going to have to take the polish off of that toe to see if there’s anything going on under the nail.

  7. I think its an infected cuticle too… BUT I also agree that you should probably take of the polish to make sure that there’s no streaking or craziness.. Neosporin, foot soaks, etc. Those sound like good treatments.. and a visit to the Dr if those don’t help!! 😉

  8. Oh THAT?

    THAT’s no big deal. I’ve had THAT before.

    And seriously, I’ve grown to love my prosthetic toe. Not to worry.

    Call me when your toe falls off and I’ll give you the name of the guy who made my fake one.

    (p.s. I had to delete my 1st comment. Too many typos. Must be my subarachnoid hematoma acting up.

  9. Hi! I wandered over from Nablopomo. Sorry your foot hurts. Did you maybe wear new shoes that irritated it? I don’t think it’s gout. My uncle has that and it’s must nastier looking.
    Good luck this month–I’ll check back with ya!

  10. Cheri,
    Go to the doctor tomorrow, please.
    I had cellulitis a year and a half ago on my face! And, if your doctor says it is nothing, and it gets worse, spreads, feels warm, see someone else. My doctor didn’t catch it, but sent me to a dermatologist the next day. Since then, I have, within the last 3 months, had 4 people close to me have staph infections–two were MRSA. Everyone, including me, seems to think it’s a spider bite at first. It seems to be rampant now, and I WOULD not take a chance, no matter how busy you are. You should check out anything suspicious like that. Sheryl

  11. Looks like a bite to me. Although I’m not sure what cellulitis is, so don’t quote me.

    Don’t think its an infected cuticle, because you say you haven’t had a pedicure in a while, and the redness is actually below the cuticle area.

    Aspirin, I like the eposom salts soak idea, and – Go to the Dr.

  12. I was thinking a result from a pedicure, too. It sounds like Katydidnot is on to something…

    So sorry! That really looks painful. Although the polish is quite nice.

  13. Do you run or walk alot? It could be your shoes and the way they fit near the toe. My pedicurist sees things like this all the time, people are freaking out that it is an infection but it isn’t unless it smells, if it just takes on a funny shape, chances are you were running and the toe hit the top of the shoe funny.

  14. Gary said something that made me think: Check Tom’s Mouth!! jk

    Infection (Cellulitis). Draw the outline now with a black pen and call the doc, then he/she can see how fast it’s spreading.

    Or, take 3 shots of tequila and call me in the morning. Or you could just soak it in tequila. What? The old West docs used whiskey, so why not tequila??

    Oh, and my dh had beginning stages of gout in his mid-20’s. I blame it on all the liver he ate as a poor college student.

  15. Soft-tissue infection. The doctor would probably tell you to soak your foot in epson (sp?) salt and warm water each night to reduce the swelling a bit. Those infections take a long time to get rid of. Worth seeing a doctor for though because that could linger on if not treated.

  16. maybe you need to check the place you’re getting your pedicures? or maybe your shoe is too tight.

    i’m kind of bad hypochonriactically myself, to the point of making up words about it.

  17. I think your toe nail is infected. Or perhaps you have botulism and you got it from when you got your toes down and they didn’t sterilize their equipment. (This happened to Paula Abdul…I think.)

  18. Question: What shoes did you wear on Tuesday?

    So…it’s been about a week…how does it look now? Did you have it amputated or did you just try some “monkey blood” and it’s all better?? I hope it’s all better now or that you are getting used to walking a bit unbalanced….and if I were feeling smarmy I’d say “of course, you should be used to being unbalanced by now”…but I’m not, so I’ll just send you good toe thoughts.

  19. I also vote for Neosporin or Bacitracin, three times daily, and avoid pedicures for a while, because it’s probably an infection or ingrown toenail from a bad one. I’ve had something sort of like it on my big toe, and it did go away.

    That said, if it gets any redder, or hurts a lot, I’d see someone.

  20. Get ye to the podiatrist! I had this same thing happen to me. Apparently I discovered that I had stubbed my toe and forgotten about it. The toenail had gone BACK INTO the skin and had become infected. The toenail was removed (sounds worse than it is – really) and I had to take an antibiotic to get rid of the infection. It may be something toenail related – and if you develop an abscess from the toenail issue it’ll REALLY hurt. I should know.

    *climbs off soap box*

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