One Toe Out of the Closet
Ever since I met Deb at San Diego Momma, I have felt the urge to come out of the closet.
Don’t go there.
Just because I wrote this, and love her, and her, and married her, does not mean I’m a closet lesbian. (And, even if I were a closet lesbian, no Jason, you can’t have Tom, you’re married and so is he.)
Deb at San Diego Momma is a self-admitted hypochondriac. (Except that I don’t think she is, and I always try to help her diagnose what ails her.) Not that I haven’t always been one, it is just that Deb has made me feel free to admit it. So, out of the closet I come to admit that I too am a hypo . . .
Wait a minute.
Actually? I’m admitting nothing. If those years in law school taught me anything, it was never to make an admission against self-interest.
So let’s get one thing (besides me) straight: When I say that I am afflicted with some weird medical condition, I am afflicted.
Now that we have that out of the way, can someone please tell me what is wrong with my big toe?
Here is what I have come up with so far:
Symptoms: Sudden onset of pain and swelling and redness. The redness is spreading and the pain has grown worse. It all started on Wednesday with just hurting and complaining.
Solution: Google symptoms.
Tentative Google Diagnosis: Gout.
But? Gout is usually found in patients who are (1) old men, (2) with high blood pressure, and (3) who drink lots of alcohol. I am an (1) old woman, (2) with the blood pressure of a corpse, and (3) I drink lots of green tea. WTFrick?
So, I’m thinking that if it isn’t gout, it might be either necrotizing fasciitis or cellulitis, and, either way, I’m hosed.
Readers, what do you think?
Please take the poll:
1. Gout – Make retirement home reservations now.
2. Necrotizing faciitis – Order casket now.
3. Cellulitis – That’s what you get for voting NO on Prop 8.
4. Idiopathic sore toe – Shut up and get a pedicure.