As I may or may not have mentioned, tomorrow night I have to go to a cocktail party-type dealio at the home of an executive at Tom’s company.
And, as I may or may not have mentioned (like I’d let the opportunity pass by), I have Stitch Nose from having a chunk of it removed last week.
(As an aside, thank you for your kind words and wishes and prayers last week. I’m not going to deal with the first dermatologist until I have the final lab results back next week. The second dermatologist said that there is always a chance that the lab results will be benign, and I’m really hoping that’s the case.)
So . . . in the interest of making the Best Possible Impression at Tom’s company function tomorrow night, I need a plan of action, to help further my husband’s career and all that. You know what they say, “Behind every great man is a great woman.” Of course, that saying came about
before Tom married me before there were bloggers when someone painted it on the wall of a cave.
I stop by the hot toe doctor’s office and borrow this ensemble:
I forget about trying to hide my Stitch Nose. If you’ve got it, flaunt it. Or, in this case, if part of yours is missing, flaunt it. I could wear one sparkly white glove and moonwalk as I enter the cocktail party.
Remember how I said that when I gave birth to Adam Lambert’s twins, they were going to be pulled out of my nose because that would have to hurt less than the way my first three children were pulled out? It didn’t. The stitches on my nose? C-Section.
So . . . if someone at Tom’s office party asks about the stitches, rather than be a buzzkill with the mention of skin cancer, I’ll just talk about how I got pregnant with Adam Lambert’s twins while he sang a Led Zeppelin song on American Idol to me, and that I gave birth to the twins through my nose, and, yes, the breastfeeding is going well, and I gained two pounds during the two-week pregnancy, and the twins were one inch long at birth, and, no, we still haven’t picked out names. I’m pretty sure this will both give me a great cover story for the nose stitches and really help Tom’s career at the same time.
Tom takes my wife in my place. My wife? She’s quite the catch. And Tom? Apparently, he is quite the catch as well. Tom’s been getting a lot of offers from other bloggers lately. So, while I won’t out anyone or anything (you can guess all you want; beneath this stitch nose, my lips are sealed), Tom has had offers from a blogger who wants him to pose as her date at a high school reunion, and from another blogger who seems to forget that he has a husband. Some people. Sheesh.
On a more serious note, just because I’m all polyamorous and stuff does not mean that Tom isn’t a one-woman man. He is, and awfully patient allowing me to have a wife, a hot toe doctor, a conjugal visit with my soon-to-be multi-platinum-album rock star husband (which helped me get over the wee little infatuation that I had with the bass player at church), a secret crush, and a not-so-secret crush. So I probably could let Tom go on a date with his wife-in-law just this one time, right?
Eff that. My wife is too hot to be dating my husband.
Does anyone have an idea for Plan E?
(Pictures not of my Stitch Nose and the Curly Ponytail of Hotness are courtesy of Google Images.)