As I may or may not have mentioned, tomorrow night I have to go to a cocktail party-type dealio at the home of an executive at Tom’s company.

And, as I may or may not have mentioned (like I’d let the opportunity pass by), I have Stitch Nose from having a chunk of it removed last week.

(As an aside, thank you for your kind words and wishes and prayers last week. I’m not going to deal with the first dermatologist until I have the final lab results back next week. The second dermatologist said that there is always a chance that the lab results will be benign, and I’m really hoping that’s the case.)

So . . . in the interest of making the Best Possible Impression at Tom’s company function tomorrow night, I need a plan of action, to help further my husband’s career and all that. You know what they say, “Behind every great man is a great woman.” Of course, that saying came about before Tom married me before there were bloggers when someone painted it on the wall of a cave.

Plan A

I stop by the hot toe doctor’s office and borrow this ensemble:

Plan B

I forget about trying to hide my Stitch Nose. If you’ve got it, flaunt it. Or, in this case, if part of yours is missing, flaunt it. I could wear one sparkly white glove and moonwalk as I enter the cocktail party.

Plan C

Remember how I said that when I gave birth to Adam Lambert’s twins, they were going to be pulled out of my nose because that would have to hurt less than the way my first three children were pulled out? It didn’t. The stitches on my nose? C-Section.

So . . . if someone at Tom’s office party asks about the stitches, rather than be a buzzkill with the mention of skin cancer, I’ll just talk about how I got pregnant with Adam Lambert’s twins while he sang a Led Zeppelin song on American Idol to me, and that I gave birth to the twins through my nose, and, yes, the breastfeeding is going well, and I gained two pounds during the two-week pregnancy, and the twins were one inch long at birth, and, no, we still haven’t picked out names. I’m pretty sure this will both give me a great cover story for the nose stitches and really help Tom’s career at the same time.

Plan D

Tom takes my wife in my place. My wife? She’s quite the catch. And Tom? Apparently, he is quite the catch as well. Tom’s been getting a lot of offers from other bloggers lately. So, while I won’t out anyone or anything (you can guess all you want; beneath this stitch nose, my lips are sealed), Tom has had offers from a blogger who wants him to pose as her date at a high school reunion, and from another blogger who seems to forget that he has a husband. Some people. Sheesh.

On a more serious note, just because I’m all polyamorous and stuff does not mean that Tom isn’t a one-woman man. He is, and awfully patient allowing me to have a wife, a hot toe doctor, a conjugal visit with my soon-to-be multi-platinum-album rock star husband (which helped me get over the wee little infatuation that I had with the bass player at church), a secret crush, and a not-so-secret crush. So I probably could let Tom go on a date with his wife-in-law just this one time, right?

Eff that. My wife is too hot to be dating my husband.

Does anyone have an idea for Plan E?

(Pictures not of my Stitch Nose and the Curly Ponytail of Hotness are courtesy of Google Images.)

37 comments on “My Missing Nose and I Need a Plan”

  1. Thank God for humour – and your sense of humour is shining through!
    Just go as is – be a poster girl for encouraging everyone to have those damned spots checked. And have fun!

  2. I’ve been thinking really hard about what to do with the stitch nose. And the best I can come up with is as follows:

    borrow my new beautiful asian dress, go to the chinese restaurant down the street, grab chopsticks for your hair and one of those decorative fans off the wall and just hold the fan in front of your nose all night.

    Thank God for Suture Mouse and the dress. Saves the day!

  3. well you could take one of those victorian era masks the are on a stick and you hold up in front of your face, you know, like in the movies at a masked ball? or you could get someone to apply makeup to make it look like you have black eyes and bruises on your face and have a story ready about how you got beat up by crazy fans while protecting that lambeau dude after a concert… surely either of these would help hubby’s image within the company

  4. Altho the glove trick worked for Michael, it has been done, as much as I like it as a disguise. I think a “Hello Kitty” bandaid would hit the spot. And, if you follow my example (and I have actually done this), sport white sunglasses with your bandaid and, when someone stares at you, pretend you are listening to some cool music and dance your head about accordingly. If they wanna stare, give them something to look at.

  5. how about drawing big freckles to match the stitches? Add some pigtails and you could say Tom told you it was a costume party!

    I so almost texted you to tell you I think … if the financing comes through … I might have bought a condo today!

  6. Hello Kitty Bandaid. Or I could fedex you a Hannah Montana Tatto bandaid… i have sported those many times. They are hard to get off too!

  7. That is the hottest ponytail I have ever seen.

    How about one of those little “dot” type bandaids? Or wrapping your head like a mummy? Oh, or Groucho glasses? Clown nose?

  8. Your wife does indeed rock the ponytail.
    I think your eyes will be much too arresting for anyone to be looking at your [missing] nose.

    Yo! I said “arresting” to a lawyer. Hawt!

  9. Did I not send you Hello Kitty band aids? or even a Hello Kitty Mask? man…hind sight, huh? 😀

    I’m thinking that a nice glittery scarf (not glove), Hello Kitty (or even Spider Man…he is a conversation topic piece!) Band Aid and a really hot dress and no underwear.
    If anyone starts to look too closely at the schnozz and is looking like they’re going to ask a question….just slowly let the scarf fall to the floor, then slowly turn around and pick it up.
    That should stop ANY discussion about little stitches on a nose….plus Tom will be the envy of the party…hell, of the freaking year!!

  10. I had a funny (benign) bump removed from the bridge of my nose. Get one of those teeny, round, flesh-colored bandaids…and wear heavy eye make up and big earrings.

  11. The mask would make you look all ready for surgery. You could just tell people you have to perform open heart surgery, for free, on an orphan, right after the party. They will be so distracted by your generosity that they will forget you are a lawyer…

    You could also get a tear tattoo. When someone asks who you killed to get the tattoo, you can reply “the last person who asked about my nose”.


  12. Aw, if you’ve got it, flaunt it! I like the Adam angle but in lieu of his recent “outing” in Rolling Stone it will seem all the more implausible. Can’t you manufacture some sort of old cheerleading/gymnastics injury? A falling tower of women in tiny skirts gets people talking…

  13. I’m thinking that Plan C would be a very fun story but probably wouldn’t further your husband’s career very much. Wear a veil and go as I Dream of Jeanie.

  14. You don’t need an E…if anyone can pull off C, it’s you and I want a hidden camera to capture people’s expressions as you start in on the explanation. K?

  15. Well, I decided against taking Tom to the reunion because I’m thinking I might run into the guy who liked me back at the 10 year gathering (15 years is plenty of time for him to have gotten married to and divorced the wrong woman, right?) and Tom would just be in the way. Plus, I can’t control what the other women there might do to him (he’d be totally safe with me…but them? no guarantees).

    As for the party, just do up the rest of your face and make your hair real pretty. If anyone asks you what’s up with your nose, launch into a speech about always using sunscreen and such. Or, just keep a daiquiri at the ready ALL THE TIME. The big strawberry will cover the stitches.

    Da Goddess

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