Once upon a time, last night I went out for sushi. A very cute sushi chef was there. He was wearing a hot, pirate-y looking do-rag. His name was Johnny Depp (he spells his name a little bit wrong, but we can overlook that).


Johnny Depp makes very excellent sushi. He even makes something called a Summer Roll. A Summer Roll has four kinds of fish, avocado, no rice, is wrapped in cucumber, and causes forty-seven-year-old women to swoon when it is dipped in a tangy orange sauce made from unknown ingredients.

Johnny Depp also makes other excellent sushi and sashimi. When an order of sushi is ready to be delivered to a table, everyone behind the sushi bar yells out, “Johnny Depp! Johnny Depp!” with Japanese accents. This sort of shouting causes forty-seven-year-old women to swoon again.

Johnny Depp also makes forty-seven-year-old women swoon for reasons unrelated to excellent sushi and pirate-y do-rags. If you can believe it.

If a forty-seven-year-old woman shamelessly begs asks Johnny Depp to pose for a picture with her, he will don a funny hat over the pirate-y do-rag. When this happens, the forty-seven-year-old woman is sure to stop thinking “hot pirate” and start thinking “Willy Wonka,” but she doesn’t mind that much.

She’ll publicly embarrass her family to pose for a picture with Johnny Depp. Oh yes she will.

Johnny Depp works his magic on forty-seven-year-old women behind the sushi bar at a place called “Love Boat Sushi.” I’m not even making that up.

Mrs. G., you are cordially invited to come to San Diego and have dinner with me and Johnny Depp. My treat. After all the swooning, Laura will drive us home.

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Coming soon . . .
BitchHer 2008: Unplugged & Unauthorized

46 comments on “Jonny Depp Made Dinner For Me. Oh Yes He Did.”

  1. You know, I am not sure that men can understand the appeal of this dude to women. Johnny Depp (the actor) looks a little untrustworthy and dangerous. Maybe even somewhat unwashed. Sure, we can understand women loving George Clooney or Brett Favre. Or even this fellow who made you dinner. But Johnny Depp?
    You, however, posing with the chef (and I say this as a man happily married to a beautiful wife for 16 years), you look wonderful yourself.

  2. ROFLMAO! I wanna come, too! Combining Johnny Depp and Japan, two of my favorite obsessions 🙂

    I’m laughing at Gary’s comment, btw…guys will never understand, will they?

  3. Stephanie may need to come and visit for some swooning. Her Grocery Boy seems to be AWOL from his post (I don’t think his Mom can drive him to work anymore).

    She is not a big sushi fan so I will eat and she can swoon.

    -Stu

  4. Oh my God. The Matron’s three-baby bladder cannot take any more wit and verve. Great, great! Funny!! Mrs. G. should be running right over. If she can’t make it, count the Matron in.

  5. what’s this bs at the end about bitchher 08 UNAUTHORIZED?? if i see even one photo of me in a swimsuit i will never, ever marry you again. ever.

    and jonny is yummy. sushi? eh, not so much.

  6. You know I meant to comment on this yesterday, but I was so flustered that I spent the day in the shower.

    This guy works for me-as long as I can say Jonny Depp come kiss my lips, the rest will follow. I have an active imagination.

  7. Good thing you had photos or I would’ve put it in the “no way all made up”pile of stuff. Love Boat Sushi? Phu-lease!

    Excuse me I need some ice water after looking at those hot photos of Mr. Depp. And you babe, you are SMOKIN’ in that photo!

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