Once upon a time, last night I went out for sushi. A very cute sushi chef was there. He was wearing a hot, pirate-y looking do-rag. His name was Johnny Depp (he spells his name a little bit wrong, but we can overlook that).
Johnny Depp makes very excellent sushi. He even makes something called a Summer Roll. A Summer Roll has four kinds of fish, avocado, no rice, is wrapped in cucumber, and causes forty-seven-year-old women to swoon when it is dipped in a tangy orange sauce made from unknown ingredients.
Johnny Depp also makes other excellent sushi and sashimi. When an order of sushi is ready to be delivered to a table, everyone behind the sushi bar yells out, “Johnny Depp! Johnny Depp!” with Japanese accents. This sort of shouting causes forty-seven-year-old women to swoon again.
Johnny Depp also makes forty-seven-year-old women swoon for reasons unrelated to excellent sushi and pirate-y do-rags. If you can believe it.
If a forty-seven-year-old woman
shamelessly begs asks Johnny Depp to pose for a picture with her, he will don a funny hat over the pirate-y do-rag. When this happens, the forty-seven-year-old woman is sure to stop thinking “hot pirate” and start thinking “Willy Wonka,” but she doesn’t mind that much.
publicly embarrass her family to pose for a picture with Johnny Depp. Oh yes she will.
Johnny Depp works his magic
on forty-seven-year-old women behind the sushi bar at a place called “Love Boat Sushi.” I’m not even making that up.
Mrs. G., you are cordially invited to come to San Diego and have dinner with me and Johnny Depp. My treat. After all the swooning, Laura will drive us home.
BitchHer 2008: Unplugged & Unauthorized