I called the dermatologist’s office today to see if the lab report on my nose biopsy was back yet, and, two telephone calls later, I found out that it was benign.

Yay!

The first call went like this, in pertinent part:

Medical Assistant: “It says ‘atypical’ in the computer, but that could be a typo.”

Me: “A typo?”

Medical Assistant: “Well, maybe it was supposed to read ‘a typical . . .’ but the ‘a’ and ‘typical’ were accidentally typed as one word.”

I’m not making this up.

So I asked if there was some way to have the actual lab report faxed to me, or at least read to me so that I could find out if atypical referred to something fatal. She replied that she’d have to go find my chart and call me back. Tomorrow. So I said, “Golly, it would be great if I didn’t have to wait until tomorrow with the possibility of something atypical hanging over my head.” And she replied, “It could just be a typo.”

I’m not making this up.

Bless her heart, she called right back and said that the lab report said benign, something or other was atypical (I’ll ask the doctor later), but that the doctor’s note on the lab report said that no follow up was necessary (which is why I’m content to ask the doctor about the rest later, that and she’d gone home by the time the assistant called back at 5:30 PM).

So . . . apparently I’m going to get to keep my nose after all.

I told Tom the good news and he said that he knew that the thing on my nose would be benign all along.

He’s very calm and rational like that.

I am not.

Tom had to have a biopsy done on a spot under his eye a while back. The doctor told Tom there was a 25% chance it was malignant. Tom told me calmly that it would be benign. I rushed out to shop for the perfect black dress to wear at his funeral. It was benign.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Meanwhile, if my nose wasn’t going to fall off or kill me, apparently I felt the need to take matters into my own hands.

Last night?

I fell down my staircase where staircase equals the last five steps.

Oh yes I did.

I was sober. (In case anyone was wondering.)

I tried to tuck and roll. (But I’m old.)

My knee hit the railing and my body made a loud thud on the landing.

Laura cried out in her sleep.

Tom came running.

I was on my back and sort of stunned when Tom arrived on the scene.

And then?

I began to laugh, but I tried to do it quietly so as not to disturb Laura again.

Trying to suppress my laughter made me laugh harder, but I tried to laugh harder more quietly.

As I laughed I noticed that Tom was standing over me looking like a deer in headlights, not knowing what the frick to do with the crazy woman in a heap at the bottom of the stairs, apparently laughing.

That made me laugh so hard tears began to run down my cheeks.

Tom said, “Are you laughing or crying?”

That made me laugh even harder.

And then?

I peed my pants.

Just a little bit.

Oh yes I did.

I had enough trouble planning what to wear with my Stitch Nose at Tom’s office party last week. What on Earth will I say about wearing these at Laura’s last-day-of-school party this week?

Also? My neck and back are a little stiff and sore, so there’s hope for more medical dramas. Too bad I didn’t injure my toe.

44 comments on “Is It Too Late For Me to Be Potty Trained?”

  1. Well, injuring your toe might have been preferable, but I’m just relieved you didn’t break your nose!

    Kegel with me now, Cheri. It’s good for us, and it might keep us out of diapers.

  2. Oh goodness! You’re one of those?I have family members who do that. The latest was when my cousin bent down in the kitchen to get something out of a cupboard and my aunt knocked her in the head with a frying pan. My cousin laughed so hard that she peed right there on the kitchen floor, on Thanksgiving!

    So, SO, SO happy to hear the good news. What a relief. What is it about doctors and their offices?

  3. Congrats on the great results. I’m so happy for you! Can’t believe the medical asst and her “a typical” issues. 🙂

  4. Sometimes – when the pain and the benign/malignant? and the mishaps and the getting older (and everything that accompanies that) all close in on you at once, you gotta laugh. ‘Til you cry. What’s the alternative?

    Wonderful news as to the lab report.

  5. wow – so much to comment on here I’m not sure where to start. Congrats on the benign lab report. I can’t believe they said atypical *might* be a typo?!? Fell down the stairs? Sober?!? I peed my pants when I started running a few months ago…shocking to say the least.

    Glad all is well with your nose!!

  6. medical stories just piss me off… you know all i could think while reading this is that if they (the drs.) know someone is waiting to hear whether they have cancer or not, they certainly know that said person is in a state of stress. why don’t they call when they have the answer? why do you have to call them and talk to the least qualified person in the office to find out? it amazes me. last year i waited 2 months to find out that my diagnosis of cardiomyopathy was a misdiagnosis. anyway, glad it’s benign.

  7. Oh dear, the first thing I thought of when I read “Atypical…could be a typo, ‘a typical’ results” was Young Frankenstein, where Igor takes the abnormal brain. “A.B. Normal”

    Hooray for having a benign nose, benign toes, and as for peeing, that’s how it goes!

  8. Cherie, you are too frickin’ funny. So glad you’ll be keeping that gorgeous nose.

    I fell down the stairs about a week after Josh was born and bruised my tailbone. I thought it was MORE painful than actually pushing the kid out!

  9. I’m so happy you’re going to live! And keep your nose! I’m so sorry you crashed down your stairs. And peed your pants [just a little].

    I liked kcinnova’s, “Kegel with me now, Cheri.” THAT was funny. I suggest you do just that. I’ll silently join from Utah.

  10. Thank you for the incentive to Kegel! I always forget 🙂 I pee when I laugh too, so don’t feel bad. I’m so glad you get to keep your cute nose!

  11. I’ve peed my pants once (ok, maybe twice) but only a very little bit (ok, maybe a bit more than a bit) but I was very drunk all those times!

  12. I had a similar fall just this morning, with high heel shoes on cause pants are too long. I was turning water off before work, and THANK GOD for the big bush I fell into and broke my fall. Now I will have to explain the big hole in the bush.

  13. Oh dear. I am glad that it was benign! Noses are nice to have around.

    And I am sorry about your fall and the resulting incident! Keep up the kegels!

  14. I’m soooo very glad it’s benign!

    And I didn’t pee while reading that, although it was touch and go for a few minutes!

    You are a riot! :-0

  15. Oh my goodness, so many fluids.

    I’m so glad it’s benign. That’s a typical thing with these nurses, not realizing you might like to know today rather than tomorrow if you’re going to die.

  16. I think those Depends will look just lovely with your black party dress and awesome hawt black pump heel things you bought last year on the Internet.

    Also, I’m very glad you get to keep your nose. Although i have to admit, if it had to go, I wanted it.

  17. I’m so relieved! Enough crazy injuries/infectios. These things always seem to come in cycles. You’ve had enough this year, and deserve a rest. Have a fantastic summer with your family! Sheryl

  18. If you happened to hurt your foot on that fall, I could take you to the foot doctor. Because? I’m a good friend like that.

    And if you didn’t hurt your foot on that fall, you could fake it and say you need to go to the hot foot doctor. Because? You’re a good friend like that.

  19. Sheesh! Must we put one of those electric stair chairs in your home? You know, like the one in Arthur II (when Arthur and Liza’s character went to look at the apartment with I.O.L. [instant on lighting — look! There’s virtually no delay!]). Cuz if you put one of those in, I’m so moving in with you.

    Wooooooo hoooooooo! on the BENIGN news. The “atypical” part could refer to some unwanted keratinization that can possibly cause more trouble for you down the road. The doc will review that more with you.

    As KCinnova says, “kegel”. Then I’ll teach you my new exercise that requires you to apparently tie a knot in a cherry stem with your small colon while kegeling. It’s so much fun. And only hurts a lot. I only pee a wee bit (get it?) and then am later struck with horrendous diarrhea. It’s fun. Really. REALLY.

    TMI?

    Whatever.

    Love ya!

  20. Thank goodness I had just gone to the bathroom before I sat down to read your blog. Soooo been there. Hope you are feeling better today!

    And as a frustrater job hunter -I say why is it those people have a job and I can’t get anyone to hire me? I wouldn’t dream of saying those things to a patient!!

  21. I’m tearing up…. almost peed my own pants! You are soooo, TOOO, great funny!

    Love it; sorry about the fall and all though… ;-( [somber]

    But, thanks for sharing the laugh! 😀

  22. You are so like me. I was LMAO reading about you falling down the stairs. I am laughing WITH you. I fell down the stairs last year and sprained my ankle. I laughed too. Whenever I do something stupid I laugh. It’s the only way to recover. 😉

    And I’m getting a bladder sling for the same reason!

  23. I’m so glad to learn that your nose is all right. However, now I’m saddened to learn that your bladder has quit.

    They say you can hardly tell when someone is wearing Depends, so there’s hope that you can still lead a semi-normal (where semi-normal equals ‘normal’ for you) life. 🙂

    XO

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