I swear every morning when I’m helping Laura find something to wear to school that I’m going to clean out her closet later that day.

But then I have coffee with Trish.

Or I eat a frozen protein bar (which is almost like a frozen Snickers bar) (not really) (but frozen) (and chocolate-y) (and frozen).

Or I wander around looking for good stuff to buy at pick up cleaning supplies at Target.

Or I catch up on Nurse Jackie episodes important errands.

Or I email back and forth with Kate forty-seven times in thirty minutes about anything that doesn’t have to do with cleaning out closets.

Or I watch Harry Connick Jr. on Oprah, and then email back and forth with Kate forty-seven times in thirty minutes about Harry Connick Jr. (Except that for the Harry Connick Jr. part I may or may not be emailing back and forth with myself since Kate isn’t answering because she’s at work probably, like, working. Whatever.)

I know. It’s so unlike me to have a crush on a man who isn’t wearing eyeliner, huh?

Exhibit A:
Exhibit B:
Exhibit C
(me thinking of Exhibits A and B):

Harry Connick Jr. is really dreamy and I emailed Kate to tell her that I totally want to have sex with him, except not just sex. I would totally like to go to a country fair with him, eat caramel apples, drink lemonade, and then have a picnic lunch in a nearby meadow. Only then would I have sex with him, but under the picnic blanket because I have stretch marks.

But then I felt sort of guilty thinking about having a crush on Harry Connick Jr. because from what he said to Oprah he seems to really love his wife and three daughters, and I’m married to a man who seems to really love his wife and three daughters.

So I’m better off having crushes on men who wear eyeliner because I don’t have to feel guilty about that.

Also, when I emailed Kate the part about having sex with Harry Connick Jr. under a picnic blanket? I almost accidentally sent it to the wife of the pastor of my church whose name is also Kate.

The End


_____________________

(Photos of Harry Connick Jr. on whom it is inappropriate for me to have a crush, and Adam Lambert & Captain Jack Sparrow on whom it is perfectly acceptable for me to have a crush courtesy of Google Images.)

22 comments on “Instead of Cleaning Out the Closet”

  1. Hey, remember when he was on Will and Grace? I’ve loved that guy since about 1990, I think.

    Your days sounds a lot like mine, it’s too bad we can’t have coffee together!

  2. of course, AL plays for the other team, as it were, and so it would just be a PICNIC, no desert….
    Man, you said it though, I could BE HARRY CONNICK Jr. in some other universe. Except I prefer being myself, but the dude is SMOOTH

  3. OH, but Harry is a hottie!

    We have reached defcon 5 here and something must be done about my oldest sons closet. I end up doing the same thing, walking away and forgetting about it.

  4. I say that I am going to clean the girl’s room every day too. Except there’s the boy…

    and frozen protein bar? seriously? does that count? I am SO trying that!

  5. Harry makes me weak.

    I can live without your boys with eyeliner thing, but I’d take Harry in a heartbeat. And I would never give him back. Ever.

    Did I tell you that he makes me weak.

    I need a moment alone. Or together. I just need a moment.

  6. I wish you’d come clean out closets with me. Because I think our conversation would start with Harry and then move on to other men that it would be totally inappropriate for us to have crushes on.

  7. I was in love with Harry Connick, Jr. before he even knew about Jill Fricking Goodacre. So, it is COMPLETELY appropriate for me to still have a crush on him.

    Also? I still hate Jill Goodacre with my whole heart. She stole mah man. The beautiful hag.

  8. You certainly have a full day!

    I’m off to Chambers tomorrow (for the first time in a decade) to see if I can get a grandma ordered to vacate matrimonial property. I know ~ ruthless…

  9. the wife of you pastor probably has a crush on him too.

    and no, i’m not referirng to caramel apples or eyeliner.

    i loved nurse jackie! the show left me wanting more. but now dexter is on, so i can wait a while.

  10. LOL, nice save on the e-mail!

    I have the same problem with cleaning out my 10yo’s closet… or even the corner of his room. Because more important than that, have you seen the collection of Halloween glow-in-the-dark rubber duckies from Oriental Trading Company catalog?

  11. i hate to be the bearer of bad news but harry’s old enough that he has most likely his version of stretch marks and we all know what that is… man titties. i’m sure he has a team of people to dress him properly so as to down play this middle age male affliction but flesh is flesh. oh, sorry, i didn’t mean to interfere with your perfect fantasy… it was very funny though.

  12. You have the most developed fantasies I’ve ever heard of! Wow.
    And it’s Harry, so I’ve no doubt that the pastor’s wife feels exactly the same way. If she doesn’t, she cannot have red blood in her veins.

    You and I will never get in a cat fight over men who wear eye liner because that’s a deal breaker for me. You have them all. With my blessing.

  13. I am SOOOO glad I am catching up “Back Blogging” b/c now my stomach hurts from laughing too hard. See I was all with you on the HCJ thing. I have loved him for about 18 years. I have his early CDs.

    But sending the email to the Pastor’s wife instead of Kate? Please pass the towel so I can clean the diet coke spew off my computer monitor….

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