Raise your hand if you thought this was going to be about Adam Lambert.

That was so last week.

I idolize my actual husband, yo.

Which brings me to the question I have been asked on more than one occasion, i.e., what Tom thinks about my polyamorous proclivities where polyamorous proclivities means Deb used the word polyamorous once in a comment and I looked it up and thought it was cool.

Let’s examine the facts. (I learned that “examine the facts” stuff in law school.)

Facts: I am a woman who blogospherically married another woman, became pregnant with twins from hearing a Led Zeppelin song performed by the next American Idol (heh, I worked that in again), writes tell-all posts about visits with her hot toe doctor, has a wicked crush on this guy, has a don’t ask/don’t tell crush on this guy, finds her relationship with her iPhone boyfriend oddly erotic, and is lured to the screen of her MacBook Pro lover like a perimenopausal woman to chocolate.

Question: What does Tom think of this?

Opinion: Tom doesn’t read my blog, isn’t on Facebook, and doesn’t tweet so he can’t catch me. Tom reads my blog. And he loves me, Kate, and Adam Lambert (but not in a gay way).

I have evidentiary support for my opinion. (They taught me to do that “evidentiary support” stuff in law school.)

Exhibit 1:

Tom got me a Mother’s Day gift that I really, really wanted. It is something totally flippin’ awesome. But I can’t tell anyone about because it was one of those impossible-to-get things that required Tom to pull strings and call in favors and
know the right people and obtain it covertly .

The best part?

Tom pulled strings and called in favors and
knew the right people and covertly obtained two of them because my wife wanted it, too. That’s right. Tom gave me and Kate matchy-matchy somethings that I can’t tell you about but it rhymes with fool bee dirts.

Exhibit 2:

On Tuesday night after American Idol was over, I was texting the word VOTE to 5703. Repeatedly. What? Laura was getting ready for bed. VOTE. VOTE. Tom was making sure she flossed. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. Tom made sure she brushed. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. I may or may not have mentioned to Tom that I would be abandoning my texting duties to the father of my twins if I were to go sing to Laura before she went to sleep. Then I went to go sing to Laura, like I usually do. When I came out of Laura’s room, Tom was holding my iPhone boyfriend and texting VOTE to 5703. Repeatedly. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. Oh, yes, he did.

Conclusion:

I idolize my husband even more than I did before he obtained matching fool bee dirts for me and his wife-in-law, and repeatedly texted VOTE to 5703 to make Adam Lambert the next American Idol, which Adam will be, next week Wednesday night, right after I give birth to our twins and paint their tiny little fingernails with paraben-free black polish.

(Photos and clipart courtesy of Google Images.)

41 comments on “I Idolize My Husband, Actually”

  1. Please to stop making me brain and e-mail me what you got because you really don’t want to know what my sad little brain thinks rhymes with fool bee dirt. No, really. You don’t. It’s ugly.

  2. I’d say he’s worth the idolization! Maybe you can start your own show called, “American Husband.” I know Tom would win! Because we’d all be texting, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE FOR TOM! You know because we’re awesome like that!

  3. I idolize your husband too, yo. (I’ve never said “yo” before. I think I like it. But I sound stupid. You sound cool when you do it.)

    Your lawyerly talk is impressive and attractive. I don’t know how Kate, Adam, Jason, the hot toe doctor, the real estate dude (I said “dude.), the iPhone boyfriend, the MacBook Pro lover… and Tom… keep their hands off you.

    We voted for 5703 too. A lot!

  4. Like Steph, I have paralyzed my brain by attempting to cypher out fool bee dirt.

    I got cool tee shirt, drool me alert, and pool pee squirt.

    I can’t do it.

    I lack the brain power.

    PLEASE tell me.

  5. Glad your law degree isn’t completely gathering dust. Your grasp of facts and evidence is impeccable.

    Incidentally, I’m patiently waiting for you to pop by and give your 2 cents on my Stairway to Heaven post, considering the Led fan that you are.

  6. I’d vote for Tom…oh yes, I would.

    pool tee shirts
    mule free hurts
    cool me shirts
    drool free shirts

    oh COME ON!!
    yeah…me too…going over to your wife’s place…maybe she spilled the beans!!

  7. Only a woman totally secure in her marriage could have as many husbands/wives/boyfriends as you do! And only a cool and solid man would understand.

    We’d all vote for Tom on “American Husband.” Now show us a picture of your “fool bee dirts” please!!!

  8. You have an awesome husband. Where do I get one of those? I’m so going out shopping for one soon. Like, tomorrow.

    By the way, you have evidentiary like nurses have “as evidenced by”, as evidenced by high priced nursing school education that I can’t use in any other way at the moment.

    You know what? I just decided something. I’m not going to go shopping for a husband. I’m going to put one on my birthday wishlist.

    Oh, and I blogmarried long before you did. In fact, I married several bloggers all in one night. The year was 2003…ah, I remember it well. Hell of a honeymoon.

    Da Goddess
    dagoddess.com

  9. You sure do have a keeper of a hubby!! I thought I would check out the comments to see if anyone else figured out ‘fool be dirts’ cause I sure didn’t – glad to know I’m not the only one! I think it’s a techno gizmo thing but cant’ think of what exactly LOL

  10. You HAVE to think of another covert way to spill. Or make the wife spill, cause I am totally clueless on the fool bee dirts true identity…

  11. Oh please can’t you just unscramble Fool Bee Dirts for the people without giving away why they were cool?

    Tom, the whole blogosphere totally *hearts* you!! It’s a good thing. Really.

  12. Manic Mommy brings up a good point. You not only have several spouses, you also have an untold number of sister-wives. Now since I like to share, and since Tom is my husband-in-law, I’m letting Tom enjoy my harem whenever he feels like it. So that kind of makes you married to ALL of us. Use your fancy law to degree to figure that one out!

  13. i figure it like this. kriss allen has the teenage girl vote locked up. that means, also the teenage boy vote, if boys want any hope of attracting a teenage girl. pinch in younger sisters, easily swayed fathers, everyone in arkansas (his home state) and perhaps 50% of the southern and midwestern votes.
    i have it Adam Lambert winning by a landslide: 61% to 39%. of course, that includes you and hubs voting 21,119 times apiece.
    let’s see. at a nickle a vote, that’s over $2,000 you owe your texting service.

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