Bloggers come in all shapes and sizes and varieties. Like water bottles. (Huh? That was random . . . or was it?) Some writers use Blogger. Others prefer WordPress. And still others use TypePad. Some bloggers write about children. Some write about work. Some write about recipes, crafts, politics, travel, books, films, or art. Some bloggers blog about blogging. Some bloggers cover a wide range of topics. Some post daily. Others post occasionally. Some like to post photos, and some do not. Some bloggers use their real names. Some take on a nom de plume. One thing’s for sure, there are some very talented writers out in the Blogosphere.
It seems that a great many bloggers use the first-person narrative style. First-person narratives sometimes have a stream-of-consciousness quality, and that can be appealing to readers who might relate to the writer’s free-flowing feelings. Readers enjoy the “connectedness” that style inspires and an interactive process develops in which readers and writers share posts and comments. Still other very talented bloggers write in the third-person narrative style. The reader of a well-written third-person narrative style post gets the sense that he or she is observing a slice of the writer’s life along with the writer, almost like both reader and writer are in it together, all cozy, like kindred spirits. Mrs. G., the lady of Derfwad Manor, is a genius at sharing her stories in a warm and comfortable third-person style. Her genius is evident by her large following. Sometimes she has more than a hundred comments on a single post. Mrs. G. put the “G” in genius. And gifted. And gracious. And gentle. And gutsy. And groovy. Oh, how easy it is to gush about Mrs. G. The Minnesota Matron is another example of a writer who uses a third-person voice that is often charming, poignant, insightful, and a lot of the time simply fall-down funny. And then there is Bossy of i am bossy. Bossy is very funny and has excellent hair. Bossy is a whiz with her camera and she creates clever captions for photos. Bossy is such a rock star that she even goes on tour. Once, Bossy left a comment on this blog, and it caused someone around here to have
an orgasm a smile that lasted for three days.
So the style of this post is
flagrantly copy-catter dirty-ratter ripped-off from inspired by i am bossy, and so, for purposes of this post . . .
i am saucy
One day last week, Saucy went to a
shi shi urban upscale grocer filled with bustling people suffering from entitlement complexes local market to buy overpriced, marinated stuffed chicken breasts for dinner because it was the last minute and she was too uninspired to come up with something less expensive and more creative, and she was too lazy to drive the extra mile to Trader Joe’s. As Saucy walked through the produce section passing up a 6 oz. package of fresh peas for $9.99 looking for green leafy veggies to go with the chicken, she felt a disturbance in the Force, tried to fight it with her imaginary lightsaber, but the dark side temporarily prevailed and she looked up and saw Fred.
This is Fred:
Saucy seemed to be inexplicably
seduced intrigued by Fred, but Saucy did not know why she was so attracted to intrigued by Fred at the time. Under Fred’s name, it said “Natural Spring Water.” Saucy did not want to take out her have her reading glasses and could not see anything else on Fred but that. Still, Saucy decided to bring Fred home with her. Immediately, Saucy noticed that Fred did not fit in the cup holder in her car. What was up with that?
When Saucy got home, she brandished her
granny reading glasses, grabbed Fred by the neck, and read his back. The back of Fred said, “Born beneath the Catskill Mountains, Fred is velvety smooth spring water with exceptional virginity and a balanced PH . . . wait! Did Saucy read that correctly? Fred is a virgin? An exceptional virgin? Saucy has never had a virgin no idea what makes spring water into exceptional virgin water. Saucy isn’t even Catholic, but she knows that holy water becomes holy when it is blessed by a priest. But in this case, although Saucy was in fact a virgin for a short while until she got married, she does not know how water can become exceptionally virginal. Saucy may never get to wrap her legs around a virgin the bottom of the whole virgin water thing, but Saucy decided instead to try and wrap her head around why Fred is shaped the way he is. Sure, Saucy could Google “Fred” or “Fred Spring Water” or “Fred the Virgin Water,” but Saucy doesn’t want to find out the answer and have nothing to post about loves to obsess think things over. So she did. And then Saucy had an epiphany. Saucy had seen someone shaped like Fred before. Fred’s shape reminded Saucy of another guy’s shape, and Saucy has sworn off this other guy because he makes Saucy want to stand in her pantry sneaking peanuts and Goldfish crackers, and besides that, if you think that Saucy got the name “Saucy” only because it rhymes with “Bossy” think again thinks that Fred’s shape was inspired by this other guy’s shape:
Saucy thinks Fred’s shape was inspired by bottles shaped like Mr. Boston, much like Saucy’s third-person narrative post today was inspired by Bossy. So then Saucy returned her
obsessive thoughts to what makes spring water virginal. But then Saucy’s mind began to wander again and she couldn’t help but wonder why she bought a single bottle of virgin spring water that cost $1.99 for 20 ounces (ten cents per ounce) when she can buy an entire case of .5 liter bottles of spring water at Vons for $3.99 (.01 cents per ounce). Then Saucy decided that she just doesn’t care about the shape of the bottle anymore because it’s what’s inside is that counts. Moreover, Saucy never thought virginity was all it’s cracked up to be, so that part isn’t important to Saucy either. Now Saucy can happily save over nine cents per ounce by drinking this water, which will fit in her cup holder, by the way:
Later tonight, after Saucy is finished fooling around with photos and captions and strikethroughs and hyperlinks, she’s going to crack open that bottle of Fred and just this once have herself a
virgin taste of some ten-cents-per-ounce exceptionally virginal spring water from the Catskill Mountains.
Saucy cannot help but wonder if in the morning she will have exceptionally virginal pee.