Bloggers come in all shapes and sizes and varieties. Like water bottles. (Huh? That was random . . . or was it?) Some writers use Blogger. Others prefer WordPress. And still others use TypePad. Some bloggers write about children. Some write about work. Some write about recipes, crafts, politics, travel, books, films, or art. Some bloggers blog about blogging. Some bloggers cover a wide range of topics. Some post daily. Others post occasionally. Some like to post photos, and some do not. Some bloggers use their real names. Some take on a nom de plume. One thing’s for sure, there are some very talented writers out in the Blogosphere.

It seems that a great many bloggers use the first-person narrative style. First-person narratives sometimes have a stream-of-consciousness quality, and that can be appealing to readers who might relate to the writer’s free-flowing feelings. Readers enjoy the “connectedness” that style inspires and an interactive process develops in which readers and writers share posts and comments. Still other very talented bloggers write in the third-person narrative style. The reader of a well-written third-person narrative style post gets the sense that he or she is observing a slice of the writer’s life along with the writer, almost like both reader and writer are in it together, all cozy, like kindred spirits. Mrs. G., the lady of Derfwad Manor, is a genius at sharing her stories in a warm and comfortable third-person style. Her genius is evident by her large following. Sometimes she has more than a hundred comments on a single post. Mrs. G. put the “G” in genius. And gifted. And gracious. And gentle. And gutsy. And groovy. Oh, how easy it is to gush about Mrs. G. The Minnesota Matron is another example of a writer who uses a third-person voice that is often charming, poignant, insightful, and a lot of the time simply fall-down funny. And then there is Bossy of i am bossy. Bossy is very funny and has excellent hair. Bossy is a whiz with her camera and she creates clever captions for photos. Bossy is such a rock star that she even goes on tour. Once, Bossy left a comment on this blog, and it caused someone around here to have an orgasm a smile that lasted for three days.

So the style of this post is flagrantly copy-catter dirty-ratter ripped-off from inspired by i am bossy, and so, for purposes of this post . . .

i am saucy

One day last week, Saucy went to a shi shi urban upscale grocer filled with bustling people suffering from entitlement complexes local market to buy overpriced, marinated stuffed chicken breasts for dinner because it was the last minute and she was too uninspired to come up with something less expensive and more creative, and she was too lazy to drive the extra mile to Trader Joe’s. As Saucy walked through the produce section passing up a 6 oz. package of fresh peas for $9.99 looking for green leafy veggies to go with the chicken, she felt a disturbance in the Force, tried to fight it with her imaginary lightsaber, but the dark side temporarily prevailed and she looked up and saw Fred.

This is Fred:

Saucy seemed to be inexplicably seduced intrigued by Fred, but Saucy did not know why she was so attracted to intrigued by Fred at the time. Under Fred’s name, it said “Natural Spring Water.” Saucy did not want to take out her have her reading glasses and could not see anything else on Fred but that. Still, Saucy decided to bring Fred home with her. Immediately, Saucy noticed that Fred did not fit in the cup holder in her car. What was up with that?

When Saucy got home, she brandished her granny reading glasses, grabbed Fred by the neck, and read his back. The back of Fred said, “Born beneath the Catskill Mountains, Fred is velvety smooth spring water with exceptional virginity and a balanced PH . . . wait! Did Saucy read that correctly? Fred is a virgin? An exceptional virgin? Saucy has never had a virgin no idea what makes spring water into exceptional virgin water. Saucy isn’t even Catholic, but she knows that holy water becomes holy when it is blessed by a priest. But in this case, although Saucy was in fact a virgin for a short while until she got married, she does not know how water can become exceptionally virginal. Saucy may never get to wrap her legs around a virgin the bottom of the whole virgin water thing, but Saucy decided instead to try and wrap her head around why Fred is shaped the way he is. Sure, Saucy could Google “Fred” or “Fred Spring Water” or “Fred the Virgin Water,” but Saucy doesn’t want to find out the answer and have nothing to post about loves to obsess think things over. So she did. And then Saucy had an epiphany. Saucy had seen someone shaped like Fred before. Fred’s shape reminded Saucy of another guy’s shape, and Saucy has sworn off this other guy because he makes Saucy want to stand in her pantry sneaking peanuts and Goldfish crackers, and besides that, if you think that Saucy got the name “Saucy” only because it rhymes with “Bossy” think again thinks that Fred’s shape was inspired by this other guy’s shape:

Saucy thinks Fred’s shape was inspired by bottles shaped like Mr. Boston, much like Saucy’s third-person narrative post today was inspired by Bossy. So then Saucy returned her obsessive thoughts to what makes spring water virginal. But then Saucy’s mind began to wander again and she couldn’t help but wonder why she bought a single bottle of virgin spring water that cost $1.99 for 20 ounces (ten cents per ounce) when she can buy an entire case of .5 liter bottles of spring water at Vons for $3.99 (.01 cents per ounce). Then Saucy decided that she just doesn’t care about the shape of the bottle anymore because it’s what’s inside is that counts. Moreover, Saucy never thought virginity was all it’s cracked up to be, so that part isn’t important to Saucy either. Now Saucy can happily save over nine cents per ounce by drinking this water, which will fit in her cup holder, by the way:

Later tonight, after Saucy is finished fooling around with photos and captions and strikethroughs and hyperlinks, she’s going to crack open that bottle of Fred and just this once have herself a virgin taste of some ten-cents-per-ounce exceptionally virginal spring water from the Catskill Mountains.

Saucy cannot help but wonder if in the morning she will have exceptionally virginal pee.

36 comments on “i am saucy”

  1. You know…I was “exceptionally virginal” once…a loooooongggg time ago….maybe only “marginally”…it was a long time ago…I may have forgotten details.
    Actually…Fred resembles a bottle of baby oil…hmmmm…but would I be as soft and supple?
    Lola (you can be Saucy, I’ll be Lola Divine!!)is lovin’ the ‘sauciness’ of your writing today…she also was tossing that idea around to try a post ala Mrs. G….now, she’s so glad she didn’t. Lola sometimes feels like she’s in junior high school again and gets invited to sit at the “cool table” for lunch…Lola will just sit and listen to all that’s going on around her…because really…this IS a “cool table”!!
    Saucy…you’re great…a little spicy sometimes, but that’s just extra fun!!

  2. Oh My!! Lola loves it when you ladies post your blogs late…it’s kind of fun being first…hasn’t happened very often…feeling all “exceptional virginal” all over again!!!

  3. Oh no! I’m dying over here. I want me some “exceptionally virginal” water! Especially if it is all dressed up fancy to look like Vodka!

  4. Well done, Saucy! You definitely mastered the 3rd person narrative style with this funny post.

    And do let us know how that virginal pee turned out – it’s been awhile!

  5. Oh, how funny and creative! I loved it! I have to admit, I’ve not visited Bossy before – I know of her, but have not visited her site. This was fun and now I need to go visit her!

    Have a good weekend – see you – Kellan

  6. The Matron thinks Saucy a third person natural! Stellar prose and wit! She imagines the pee was indeed exceptionally virginal. And a big Matronly thank you for the compliment about her blog. A secret? Sometimes the Matron’s own writing cracks her up!

  7. I like your Saucy! And Virgin Fred has real possibilities as a continuing character. Thanks for the kind words Cheri. I have to give Bossy her third person props-she was the first that I came across.

  8. I will never be able to look at my slutty water bottle the same again. =)

    You know you are a good writer when you can make such an awesome tale out of buying water.

    So, how did the virgin taste?

  9. I can see the argument with the Officer when you get pulled over.

    “Miss, we have a law against open containers in this state”

    “It’s water. Virgin water”

    “Sure. Please step out of the vehicle…”

    -Stu

  10. That is one of the funnier posts I have read in a while 🙂 I wonder if a mom of 4 can drink virgin water without imploding?

    Thanks for visiting my blog and the encouragement!

  11. Very funny! If I drank that “later tonight”, I’d be experiencing “virginal pee” all night long! I hope you made it until morning.

  12. I wonder if you can wear the same outfit when you drink virgin water and slutty water. Do you think you have to change from modest white dress to outrageous see through teddy?

  13. This post s older, so I don’t know if you will see my response, but HOW FUNNY!!!!!! So, after you open Mr. Fred and take the that FIRST DRINK, is it still virginal water?? Would you need a cigarette after drinking this water?

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