True Story #1

I was getting a breast ultrasound recently. There was a woman in the waiting room sitting next to me. I heard her tell the receptionist that she was stepping outside in case they called her name. Through the glass doors I saw her go stand next to a sign by the entrance that said “[NAME] Cancer Center” and light a cigarette. Not that I’m judging. I kind of wanted one too because breast ultrasound. (Everything is fine, by the way.)

True Story #2

I saw an SUV driving down the road, and noticed that it passed by a house with a sign at the curb that said “Bank Foreclosure.” Then I noticed what was painted on the back and side windows of the SUV. It said: “[NAME]’s Doggie Deli. Healthy Food for Your Pet Delivered Fresh to Your Home. 800-XXX-XXXX

True Story #3

A while back I posted Jesus, Jason & Kate, a true story about a man who asked me to give him money at a gas station. I was on my way to meet Kate at the time, Kate who gives the homeless guy in her neighborhood $20 bills. I mentioned in my post that the man to whom I gave $5 was driving a new Jeep, and some discussion was raised in the comment section of that post about giving. Nobody has asked me for money again until last week when I was on my way to meet Kate again. Another man approached me and asked if I would give him money. I also give him a $5 bill. This man was listening to an iPod. I’m starting to get suspicious about Kate, but in a good way.

True Story #4

We can totally start with the premise that stainless steel water bottles are better for the environment and don’t cause cancer. We don’t buy plastic water bottles at home any more because we don’t and that’s all I’m going to say about that for purposes of this post. However, today I was buying a case of plastic water bottles for a potluck gathering this weekend for which I said I’d bring a case of plastic water bottles. As I was hoisting the water bottles into my car, a man approached and stood next to me. He said, “I see you just bought a lot of plastic water bottles. I don’t think you realize how bad plastic water bottles are for the environment. I’d like to talk with you that. Do you realize what is happening to our environment?” I told him that his concern was appreciated, but that I didn’t want to have a talk with him. He made a huffing noise, turned on his heel, walked a few spaces down from where I was parked, and drove away in a big red Cadillac.

C’mon. Tell me something strange that happened to you recently so that I don’t feel like the only one.

22 comments on “I Am Not Making This Up”

  1. I gave up the water bottles years ago and we have a cupboard full of “green” containers. I frequently have the itch to speak to people buying those cases – but don’t because there are all kinds of reasons people might be buying them. I do not assume ignorance!

    Maybe it was a Hybrid Caddy??!

  2. I don’t know if this counts but here you go.

    This morning as I was getting ready (in a hurry as always!)and I spotted a crumpled up one dollar bill in my bathroom drawer. I moved stuff around trying to find what I was looking for, and I felt this “nudge” to put the dollar in my pocket. I almost ignored it because I was in a hurry, and even though I have NO cash on me, I didn’t foresee needing a one dollar bill.

    I was about to walk away, but the nudge was strong. So I grabbed it and stuffed in my pocket. Never thought about it again during the day UNTIL I was walking out of the post office, and this woman looked at me and said, “I’m homeless. Do you have ONE dollar I can have?”

    “Well, as a matter of fact, I do,” and I pulled the crumpled up dollar from my pocket. Sweet!

  3. This isn’t exactly strange, except for the part of the story where I’m in it.

    Yesterday I was driving back to work from a certain appointment that I had, and I was starving to death; or so I thought, anyway. I pulled into a Wendy’s drive-thru and ordered a cheeseburger combo knowing full well that I should not be eating that, but wanting one so badly that I almost licked the picture of the cheeseburger on the outdoor menu.

    So I got my cheeseburger, and my fries, and my diet soda, and went on my way. When I pulled out onto the road, I had to sit through the red light and there was a homeless guy standing there with his sign about being hungry and needing money.

    I figured that was a sign that my fat ass was not supposed to eat that cheeseburger and I rolled down my window and gave him my lunch. Well… except for the diet soda because you know I really needed that more than he did, right?

  4. Last week my principal approached a man near the school grounds and asked him if he could please NOT WALK HIS PIT-BULL OFF LEASH NEAR THE SCHOOL. The man was completely offended and bewildered and ultimately beligerent.

    Come on! Doesn’t he ever watch the news?

  5. seriously? are you kidding me? this post was written for me. weird things happen to me ALL the time. but not lately. lately, it’s all just the same old shit. except that a man halfway around the world fell in love with me, even after he knew my dress size and sent me flowers on the same day that he rescued a bunch of Solami refugees. and then my wife’s best friend’s daughter offered to adopt the refugees. that’s normal, right?

  6. i’ve always liked glass better than plastic. and i recycle my glass. but i kinda suspect they don’t reuse my tea bottles. they probably grind them up and dump them into a landfill or something equally horrible. i kinda wish when stuff is recycled that they’d actually recycle it.

    ok weird story. i was at the store and accidentally started walking away with someone elses cart. i took it back, and *my* cart was gone!
    whoever took mine left it at the back of the store instead of returning it.
    i had to hunt for it.

  7. Example A:
    The roommate stomps out of his room and turns to look at me, giving me the whole stink eye thing, wrinkling his nose and says, “this place is a dump. Why don’t you ever pick up?”

    Then he goes out to the kitchen (which I had just cleaned from top to bottom), spends ten minutes as a smallish hurricane and heads back to his room — the door to which, despite my constant bleach wipes, is stained with the grease and grime and food on his hands and his body. The back side of that door? Don’t ask. It ain’t pretty. He left the light on in the kitchen, knowing full well I’m a moth drawn to that flame, wishing to extinguish it. What did I see upon reaching the kitchen light? Mustard, ketchup, crumbs, and juice of some suspicious meet product on every counter, drawer and fridge handle, and floor.

    Yet he sees my stack of magazines and books at the end of the sofa and says I make it look like a dump.

    If he wants to see a real dump, he should try the toilet bowl after LD’s been in there.

    Example Two In addition to raising funds so I’m totally covered on my committed sessions to OpLove and our military clients, I’ve also been working on raising funds other ways to get bills paid. That’s my assigned task.

    I do not share all my fundraising efforts and plans with the roommate because the less he knows, the easier my life is. Or at least it’s not as confusing. Still, I come through every month somehow and that’s what matters. I also go above and beyond that to which I committed. However, when roommate sees my online efforts calling for x amount, he doesn’t understand why I don’t just grab all of it and apply it to rent or other bills. Like his smokes and alcohol. I tried to explain that the money is earmarked for a project that will help my overall exposure in this town and more clients. He doesn’t get it. Then demands to know where the money for the bills come from — and how do I manage to help myself but not him each month…the broken record begins to skip again in this section. Two different funds. They don’t meet at any time. Ever. Business is business and home is home. He’s an accountant who doesn’t get the concept.

    I need to borrow someone’s crayons and some poster board to show a kindergartener snd have a kindergartener to explain my system to a monkey on crack. By the time the monkey ends up wasted and explains the system to my roommate, he may actually understand. Or he may believe he was just given the key to the Emerald City. I dunno.

    Example Polygon:
    Some people build walls made of irony around them and then find they’re unable to extricate themselves. Irony, of course, feeds and breeds and talks and then it becomes the reason that person never wants to get out of his situation, afraid someone will talk about his foolish scenario.

    Example Toenail:
    My meds have kicked in seriously and I’m starting to lose track of which keys do what and I begin to wonder if I was going to include another example here. Oh, fuck it. I’m looped on Ambien and Vicodin and it’s time to stop pretending I’m trying to write.

  8. Dude – this is like my WTF Wednesday post.

    I went to buy a maternity business suit for my swearing in only to discover the sales clerk on duty sleeping in one of the dressing rooms. Really. WTF?

  9. Weird things are not happening to me.

    They are happening in my dreams though. I am thinking I better start writing them down because good grief they are weird.

    Truly.

  10. ok… i’m sitting on my front porch with my 4 year old daughter and a man with a big cowboy hat and binoculars is walking on the sidewalk across the street from our house and we’ve never seen him before. he stops and keeps looking over the roof or in the trees next to the house directly across from our house. i say to my daughter… “what is that man doing, why is he looking up there?” my daughter looks at my without hesitating and says… “dad, i think he just pooped his pants.” after i stopped laughing i said… “i think you’re right.”

  11. My employer decided this year that instead of running off print copies of the 300+ page annual budget, as they usually do, they would post the budget on the company intranet. The print volumes are only for certain people.

    Only they didn’t do a good job telling us this.

    So my boss freaked out when she came in and asked for both print volumes. She HAD to read it on paper, she said. I referred her to the on-line version. Not good enough. I offered to PRINT her the parts that dealt with our department. Not good enough. I offered to PRINT her the entire goddam thing. Not good enough. She somehow thinks what they roll of the press and what they post online are two different things.

    Her freakout was so weird, it was like it was MY fault they decided that.

    Finally I talked to someone in the Finance dept. and they offered to give us an extra copy.

  12. Recently maxed out the yearly (damn cheap) prescription portion of my health plan. (Will start up again soon.)
    When picking up my last RX (for big bucks) was asked, “Are you sure you want this?”
    Duh.
    No, I want to die a slow, painful death.
    Some strange minds out there…

  13. Leaving the mall, I saw a guy on the median strip with a sign that said “unemployed with a family to feed.” A few blocks away there’s a McDonalds with a sign that says “Now Hiring.”

    Does pan-handling pay better than McDonalds?

  14. Something strange???? A new bloggy buddy tells me that both her husband and father scoop peanut butter into their coffee. I am simultaneously repulsed and intrigued…and see a blog post coming up very soon…..

  15. I get the Cancer-Center-Smoker story. After a long run… I almost always crave a cigarette. Gross, I know, but true. I don’t do it though. Unless my mother’s in town.

  16. I had blood drawn and a port put in my arm for delivery of contrast dye by a 350 pound tattooed long haired biker, who had just moved here from AZ and admired my tats so much I gave him the name of my tattoo guy.

    Is that weird?

    Did you know…you can design your own SIGG bottles on Etsy? And that they will use celebrity pictures? Just sayin…

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