Has your MacBook Pro screen gone black?
Did the mute button on your iPhone fall off?
Is your iPod frozen while the rest of the globe is warming?
If so, you just might find yourself visiting the Apple Genius Bar. Anyone over the age of thirty will tell you that the Apple Genius Bar can be daunting to the uninitiated. Because I have recently experienced all of the above, I can offer a few survival tips based upon my keen observations.
1. Start by giving your first-born child to an Apple Genius. However, by all means, do learn from my mistake. Be sure the Apple Genius who gets to keep your child lives in your city. Sure, the Apple Genius who is keeping your child in another city might be able to do many things by telephone or iChat, but he/she will not be able to fix hardware problems remotely. However, he/she will be able to diagnose problems, and therefore you will be able to approach the local Apple Genius Bar armed with information that will include why Apple should cover the cost of the repair even though you didn’t get the extended warranty. But still, when all is said and done, you can’t help but wonder if your repair wouldn’t have taken nearly a week if you’d turned over your first-born to a local Genius.
2. Be all TolleZenYoda when you approach the Genius Bar with your broken stuff. The Geniuses are tired of old people freaking out on them. I watched it happening on either side of me while I sat at the Genius Bar. Although my laptop boyfriend was unconscious, I only panicked on the inside. On the outside I was TolleZenYoda, and my Genius appreciated it. I could tell by how nice she was when she made promises to me that were later broken.
3. If your laptop breaks, make sure it is a 15” MacBook Pro. When the Genius sees you walk in with that bad boy, you gotta believe that you’re gonna get some R-E-S-P-E-C-T because 15″ MacBook Pros are what the Geniuses have at home. In fact, that’s what the Geniuses have at the Genius Bar itself.
4. When you bring your Apple stuff to the Genius Bar, bring it in clean. The Geniuses respect someone who has clean equipment. When I brought in my laptop boyfriend, although he was out cold, he was free of the pesky flaxseed that can get in keyboards. The Genius commented that my laptop showed good care, and I was all, “That’s because I love him” and did not mention last year’s granola spilling incident.
5. If you have a full-arm tattoo, multiple piercings, or wear a knit cap, you’ll fit right in with many of the folk behind the Genius Bar. Because I don’t have any of these accoutrements, I had to go with Plan B. Plan B was to bring in a cute child who knows how to use all of my technology products better than I. I had the cute child perch on the stool next to me and play with my iPhone. Geniuses, Specialists, and Concierges alike stopped by to say hello to the cute child and see which applications she liked best. Everyone especially liked it when she played with the iFart application. She selected the fart called “Air Biscuit” to play aloud. Well, everyone who worked at the Apple store liked it, but judging by the disgusted looks from the elderly gentleman seated on my left and the middle-aged woman seated on my right, they did not like it.
6. Assuming that you’ve got the TolleZenYoda thing down pat, but you don’t have a full-arm tattoo, multiple piercings, wear a knit cap, or have a cute child with technology skillz, then try
one all of these methods to get the Apple Geniuses to like you:
a. wear an item purchased from shirt.woot
b. drop a random reference to an obscure Star Wars character
c. drop a random reference to a Star Trek episode
d. get a buzz cut, #1 or 2
e. be under the age of thirty
7. When the Genius tells you that luckily the part needed is in stock, and then shows you the part, and then quotes a day or two for the repair and Thursday at the latest, don’t throw your iPhone boyfriend when you stop by on Thursday and a different Genius tells you it will be another week because they don’t have the part. First of all, your iPhone boyfriend is your only connection to the outside world, so you don’t want to break him. Secondly, if your iPhone boyfriend broke (again) it would require another stint at the Genius Bar to get him fixed. And, finally, you should always work and play well with others, especially when the others are still holding your laptop boyfriend prisoner.
8. Last, but not least, if you’re destined to be visiting the Apple Genius Bar on a regular basis because you do not have good technology karma, have good parking karma. Truly good parking karma, as in Pontiff of Parking karma, is when the parking karma just keeps getting better even as your technology karma grows worse throughout the week.
Now, please excuse us. My laptop boyfriend and I haven’t seen each other for nearly a week and we want to have sex.
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