Has your MacBook Pro screen gone black?

Did the mute button on your iPhone fall off?

Is your iPod frozen while the rest of the globe is warming?

If so, you just might find yourself visiting the Apple Genius Bar. Anyone over the age of thirty will tell you that the Apple Genius Bar can be daunting to the uninitiated. Because I have recently experienced all of the above, I can offer a few survival tips based upon my keen observations.

How to Navigate the Apple Genius Bar

1. Start by giving your first-born child to an Apple Genius. However, by all means, do learn from my mistake. Be sure the Apple Genius who gets to keep your child lives in your city. Sure, the Apple Genius who is keeping your child in another city might be able to do many things by telephone or iChat, but he/she will not be able to fix hardware problems remotely. However, he/she will be able to diagnose problems, and therefore you will be able to approach the local Apple Genius Bar armed with information that will include why Apple should cover the cost of the repair even though you didn’t get the extended warranty. But still, when all is said and done, you can’t help but wonder if your repair wouldn’t have taken nearly a week if you’d turned over your first-born to a local Genius.

2. Be all TolleZenYoda when you approach the Genius Bar with your broken stuff. The Geniuses are tired of old people freaking out on them. I watched it happening on either side of me while I sat at the Genius Bar. Although my laptop boyfriend was unconscious, I only panicked on the inside. On the outside I was TolleZenYoda, and my Genius appreciated it. I could tell by how nice she was when she made promises to me that were later broken.

3. If your laptop breaks, make sure it is a 15” MacBook Pro. When the Genius sees you walk in with that bad boy, you gotta believe that you’re gonna get some R-E-S-P-E-C-T because 15″ MacBook Pros are what the Geniuses have at home. In fact, that’s what the Geniuses have at the Genius Bar itself.

4. When you bring your Apple stuff to the Genius Bar, bring it in clean. The Geniuses respect someone who has clean equipment. When I brought in my laptop boyfriend, although he was out cold, he was free of the pesky flaxseed that can get in keyboards. The Genius commented that my laptop showed good care, and I was all, “That’s because I love him” and did not mention last year’s granola spilling incident.

5. If you have a full-arm tattoo, multiple piercings, or wear a knit cap, you’ll fit right in with many of the folk behind the Genius Bar. Because I don’t have any of these accoutrements, I had to go with Plan B. Plan B was to bring in a cute child who knows how to use all of my technology products better than I. I had the cute child perch on the stool next to me and play with my iPhone. Geniuses, Specialists, and Concierges alike stopped by to say hello to the cute child and see which applications she liked best. Everyone especially liked it when she played with the iFart application. She selected the fart called “Air Biscuit” to play aloud. Well, everyone who worked at the Apple store liked it, but judging by the disgusted looks from the elderly gentleman seated on my left and the middle-aged woman seated on my right, they did not like it.


6. Assuming that you’ve got the TolleZenYoda thing down pat, but you don’t have a full-arm tattoo, multiple piercings, wear a knit cap, or have a cute child with technology skillz, then try one all of these methods to get the Apple Geniuses to like you:

a. wear an item purchased from shirt.woot
b. drop a random reference to an obscure Star Wars character
c. drop a random reference to a Star Trek episode
d. get a buzz cut, #1 or 2
e. be under the age of thirty

7. When the Genius tells you that luckily the part needed is in stock, and then shows you the part, and then quotes a day or two for the repair and Thursday at the latest, don’t throw your iPhone boyfriend when you stop by on Thursday and a different Genius tells you it will be another week because they don’t have the part. First of all, your iPhone boyfriend is your only connection to the outside world, so you don’t want to break him. Secondly, if your iPhone boyfriend broke (again) it would require another stint at the Genius Bar to get him fixed. And, finally, you should always work and play well with others, especially when the others are still holding your laptop boyfriend prisoner.

8. Last, but not least, if you’re destined to be visiting the Apple Genius Bar on a regular basis because you do not have good technology karma, have good parking karma. Truly good parking karma, as in Pontiff of Parking karma, is when the parking karma just keeps getting better even as your technology karma grows worse throughout the week.

Parking on Monday
at initial laptop drop off
Parking on Thursday
during anticipated pick up of laptop
Parking on Saturday night
during actual pick up of laptop

Now, please excuse us. My laptop boyfriend and I haven’t seen each other for nearly a week and we want to have sex.

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(Photographs not the property of Blog This Mom! were jacked from Google Images.)

32 comments on “How to Navigate the Apple Genius Bar”

  1. while you were totally making out with your laptop boyfriend? my laptop lover was stuck at home alone while i made out with a guy. like an actual one. the same one from the tiramisu on thursday. and unlike my lawyer husband and my gym husband, he doesn’t seem gay. but i will need to test him some more to be sure.

    what?

    the comment was supposed to be about you? or, like, your post? not me? and the hot guy i made out with tonight? and, like, on thursday?

    wait. what now?

  2. also? i’m totally trying to think of something to do with your post. to show i’m a good wife and not completely self-involved.

    um. i can’t think of anything.

    nice parking! yay you!

    that sounded sincere, right?

  3. I have the MacBook Pro and a wool hat (winter here!) but no tattoo or piercing. And I may be jinxing myself but so far, no problems with any of my Apple boyfriends/gadgets!

  4. I’ve been calling my iPhone my teen cult machine. That completely and utterly disgusts the teen off spring. Thanks for the tips, I need a repair, too.

    The apple genuises don’t think my teen is very cute. Do you think I should bring his best friend who is a girl? She’s really cute.

  5. Very, very funny. I still can’t get over the fact that you have MENSA-girl for a daughter. I don’t know what to do with my MAC.

    I’m glad you’re together again with your boyfriends. Have you had your cigarette yet?

  6. I like to keep my tat carefully hidden under my pants/shirt, so I guess I’ll have to wear lower than usual jeans and have some excuse to bend over with my butt facing said genius.

  7. Also? Take the tats and piercings times 100 and you have the Portland Oregon genius bar. Where I had to go with my new NOT PRO Mac. And ask…. how to power it down. Seriously.

    Did I ever tell the story about how I bought a Mac laptop without ever having touched or seen a Mac laptop in my life, in my effort to stick it to Bill Gates after an unfortunate Best Buy incident? And then I got home with the Mac and it was like landing on Mars and I couldn’t DO SHIT with that thing because I don’t speak Martian? And my 10 year old had to show me how to get online so I could at least blog about my misery?

    But now, me and my Mac Daddy, we’re LIKETHIS.

  8. Sounds like you had a very stressful week spent in relationship limbo with your laptop boyfriend. I’m glad things are working out for the two of you now.

  9. I’ve been out of the loop, but I’m back. Sort of.

    No MacBook Pro for me, unfortunately. Maybe some day. I have a Mac desktop though. Love it.

    How’s the Twittering going? 😉

  10. Perfect. I think I am covered.

    Attention 1st born of mine, (just jamie) following Cheri’s “how to” advice, consider this is fair warning that you WILL be sacrificed to the geniuses if MY Macbook Pro ever needs to go to rehab. Because YOU are 1st born, beautiful, brilliant, have tattoos and everything.

    Should you refuse, your 2nd runner up Henry, will go because he can totally talk obscure Star Wars with geniuses, and loves to grab my iphone and make fart noises and stuff. I think he may even be a genius one day.

    And Cheri you can drive me. Cause I do not have good parking karma. And you can bring your boyfriend too. I am SO HAPPY you are back together.
    Thanks for all the advice!

  11. I don’t have a Mac, so I don’t have to go to the Genius bar. I buy disposable computers, they’re called Toshibas. When one stops working I just throw it away and get another. No Genius bar needed.

    And I must say that Tom’s arms look oh so very hawt. But, as I recall, you promised me shirtless. Do you think he’d mind if you just snapped a few shirtless photos of him when he wasn’t looking and then you could just email them to me?

    Ya know, while you’re all busy fooling around with Katy, I could distract Tom….

    I’ll stop now.

  12. i try to enter the apple store on my knees. it’s respect. the friendliest geniuses are in front, but almost always i get the pimply-faced guy from the back to help me. since i can’t express myself very well… “i need one of those plug-things that lets you store photos on your ipod when you’re not at a computer.” they actually know what i’m talking about.

  13. As interesting as this was, what is your advice for those of us who don’t have a Apple Genius location locally? Need I worry about tattoos/ear piercings/etc? Why should I indoctrinate the cute children with Apple products if I can’t get any leverage from it?

  14. Does this mean that next time you go to the apple store, you will get to park next to the stool? Or maybe on top of the counter? I bet THAT would get their attention. Maybe not respect…but attention.

  15. Ok, so I want you to know I felt old, today. Not for technological issues, though. I went into this Tex-Mex dive I used to frequent when I was in high school and I was THE OLDEST PERSON THERE.

    AND I’M ONLY 27.

    WTF.

    That’s just all kinds of wrong. But my quesadilla was just as good as I remembered.

    Hawt.

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