We were down to three rolls of toilet paper in our house, none of them were full rolls, and we have four bathrooms. This is so unlike me. We’ve had some stressful times around here lately, and consequently my trips to Target to stock up on supplies have been so few and far between that someone built an entire Starbucks right inside the store, with baristas and everything, since the last time I was there. I am not making this up. But I digress. Kind of.

I arrived home from Target with two 60-roll packages of toilet paper because as God is my witness I will never be without toilet paper again. Everyone was at work or school, and I was all excited to be home alone for a while. I entered the house through the garage door and unloaded the car. I went upstairs first and put away toilet paper, tissues, laundry supplies, and such like. Next I went into the downstairs bathroom to put some toilet paper in there, and then decided to go ahead and, uh, well, you know, use the facilities.

Just as I was about to walk out of the bathroom, I heard a man’s voice shout out, “HELLOOOOO?” from inside of the house. It wasn’t a voice I recognized, and the hello was in question form as if to ask if anyone was in the house.

My heart started racing while I quickly and quietly formed my plan of action. My thoughts and plan of action went like this: If I hid in the bathroom and was discovered, I’d be trapped. There were two ways out of the hallway outside of the bathroom. I’d jump out as though I was fearless and fearsome and fierce, and look both ways. I’d see the man and then run out of the hallway the opposite way and get out of the house. Just as I was about to make my move, I thought, “What if the man caught up to me, or was already right outside of the door?” I would need a weapon. I thought fast and grabbed the pointiest tweezers in the drawer.


I held the tweezers the way Mrs. White held the knife in Carrie so I’d be able to stab with the most force should it come to that. (I really thought that part out because I really am that badazz.) I opened the door and looked around quickly. I saw nothing. I had planned to see someone lurking, dang it, so I didn’t know which way to go. Thinking fast, I went the way with the most available exits.

No sign of him. Was he hiding?

Then I felt a cold breeze.

At that point I began to panic slightly. (WHAT? Brandishing pointy tweezers was not because of panicking – that was planning.) I got a tad panicky because I had to briefly consider the possibility that I had imagined the man’s voice. This is how I briefly considered the possibility that I had imagined the man’s voice: “OH MY GOD THE PTSD IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN I’D THOUGHT!!! OH MY GOD I’M ACTUALLY INSANE AND HEARING VOICES!!!” But then I got a hold of myself because if I was actually that insane, my husband would not have been able to keep that to himself and surely would have told me so during an argument. WHAT?

I felt a cold breeze again.

I followed the cold breeze to the front door. It was wide open. I had entered the house through the garage. WHO LEFT THE FRONT DOOR WIDE OPEN? Just as I was deciding whether to flee out the front door or run back in and rescue my iPhone boyfriend and iPad goddess from the clutches of a probable serial killer, I saw the UPS truck pull away from the curb. And then I noticed that just inside the front door was a package from Amazon. Oh, good, the book my daughter wanted had arrived. Putting two and two together I realized that the UPS guy put the book inside of the house and yelled, “HELLOOOOO?” because the front door was wide open.

But how had that happened? Well, it was a VERY windy day and the door will blow open if it is left unlocked. I called my husband at work, and after a very brief interrogation period, he admitted to having been outside before he left for work and must have forgotten to lock the door. Obviously my husband learned nothing from watching all six seasons of The Sopranos. He would be sleeping with the fishes right now if he weren’t so darn cute.

This post is a true story. The names weren’t even changed because nobody mentioned is innocent anyway. Please tell me you have a similar story about a time that the UPS guy left you a book, so I’ll know that these things don’t only happen to me.

27 comments on “Armed and Dangerous: True Story”

  1. heh heh heh….you’re a nut.
    reading things like this is good because when i notice a door open that i didn’t realize was open before and i start thinking that, even though no one answered me when i called out, there really is someone and he (or maybe even she) is probably hiding in the bathroom….or worse…out in the sunroom where i really need to go and do some stuff, which if were true, i would hope he (or she!) would straighten up out there when the really great hiding place was made.
    i will always agree that ANYthing you do is perfectly normal, if you do the same for me.
    thank you.
    and yeah…that whole “less than 3” you!!

  2. Too funny! I can actually completely relate, because today as I was helping my two-year-old off of the toilet, a representative from our local cable/internet/phone company came to our door trying to convince us to upgrade. The door was open (but our screen door was shut), and after calling out a, “Hellooo?” he WALKED INTO OUR LIVING ROOM. When I came flying out of the bathroom, he immediately bombarded me with a pitch about some bajillion-channel cable package. He got an earful from me before letting himself out. Unfortunately, I wasn’t clever enough to grab my own tweezers before exiting the bathroom. This dude might’ve thought twice about offering me free HBO, Starz, or Showtime for three months if I’d been armed with my Tweezermans!

  3. OH GOD…Cheri, PLEASE, your life is so complicated and adventuresome! I imagine your husband in a meeting at BIG CORP, being a big cheese, talking of billion dollar deals, and he interrupts negotiations ‘wait, folks, my wife just went on a TP run and I am in trouble’….. 🙂

  4. I’m thinking that a deranged lunatic killer, totally sane home invaders, and the Sopranos do not politely say “Hello?” upon illegally entering a house and kidnapping or killing people. Unless, that is, the bad guys are much nicer on the West Coast than they are on the East Coast???

  5. Jennifer: Did I say it was a polite hello? No, I never said it sounded polite. It was more like a loud and impatient hello as if to say, “Come out wherever you are so I can do great bodily harm!”

    WHAT?

    😉

  6. I came home the other day and the front door was wide open.

    I had left it open.

    Been out for hours.

    My heart thumped as I walked through the house checking nothing had been stolen.

    My increasing senility coincidentally dements me.

  7. I’m so hung up on your failing to go to Target often, I could barely concentrate on the rest of the post. But, yes, any time I come home and realize the kids left the house empty and the door unlocked, I am completely convinced that there is a serial killer hiding in the basement shower.

  8. Our Target here has had the Starbucks (with baristas) for at least 4 years now. I thought they all did!

    I’m still freaked out from the time I came home from work at age 21 and one of my roommates had failed to close the door completely. The house was DARK and the door was WIDE OPEN. I had to get the old man from across the street to go through it with me, because apparently I needed an elderly man as my shield. Neither of us was armed. Not even with tweezers. (Although, he did sport some rockin’ earrings, so I guess we could have used them in a pinch.)

  9. Oh, dear. Perhaps we’re living in a fantasy world where I am. We recently had a neighbor send round a warning about house burglaries in the area, and she advised us all to “keep your doors locked for the time being” because as a community we are so laid back.

    Recently, the woman who walks our dog sometimes came in and took him out while I was in the shower. I didn’t even know she was there! until she called me with a message notifying me that she had the dog.

    I sure hope God watches over us for our trustworthiness!

  10. i have to admit to being hung up in having a Starbucks inside a Target store. I’ve never been to Target but can only imagine it as being fabulous. Probably glamourous. And then add a Starbucks? Heaven.

    Oh, and the tweezers would qualify as a lethal weapon. Good back up thinking…

  11. The moral of the story is that you should stock a baseball bat in every bathroom along with the 40 rolls of TP. This way you can knock the UPS guy out cold, THEN tweeze his brows…

    -Stu

    PS: your husband is smart enought NOT to tell you how insane you may be during a fight. I learned that a long time ago with Bad Mom.

  12. I wasn’t sure whether I was supposed to laugh (well of course I laughed, you are hilarious) or pick up my bat and check under the beds.

    And yes I keep a bat by my bed. My Son says it’s stupid, but it helps me sleep at night. That and the alarm and the two barking dogs…..

    Where in the heck did you store 60 rolls of TP?????

  13. one morning i walked from the bedroom into the living room and saw the front door wide open. it was the creepiest feeling! i think we just forgot to lock the door the night before and, as you say, the wind blew it open.

    those tweezers probably wouldn’t have been much of a deterrant if you really had an intruder. at least you could have left some dna evidence behind if indeed you were attacked.
    but cherie, i don’t think most mass murders will call out ‘hello, anyone home?’ when they come to get you.
    like they say: it’s always the quiet ones.

  14. hey – two mysteries solved in one shot, scooby doo… it Was the UPS guy, and he’s been stealing all the toilet paper – good work!

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