We were down to three rolls of toilet paper in our house, none of them were full rolls, and we have four bathrooms. This is so unlike me. We’ve had some stressful times around here lately, and consequently my trips to Target to stock up on supplies have been so few and far between that someone built an entire Starbucks right inside the store, with baristas and everything, since the last time I was there. I am not making this up. But I digress. Kind of.
I arrived home from Target with two 60-roll packages of toilet paper because as God is my witness I will never be without toilet paper again. Everyone was at work or school, and I was all excited to be home alone for a while. I entered the house through the garage door and unloaded the car. I went upstairs first and put away toilet paper, tissues, laundry supplies, and such like. Next I went into the downstairs bathroom to put some toilet paper in there, and then decided to go ahead and, uh, well, you know, use the facilities.
Just as I was about to walk out of the bathroom, I heard a man’s voice shout out, “HELLOOOOO?” from inside of the house. It wasn’t a voice I recognized, and the hello was in question form as if to ask if anyone was in the house.
My heart started racing while I quickly and quietly formed my plan of action. My thoughts and plan of action went like this: If I hid in the bathroom and was discovered, I’d be trapped. There were two ways out of the hallway outside of the bathroom. I’d jump out as though I was fearless and fearsome and fierce, and look both ways. I’d see the man and then run out of the hallway the opposite way and get out of the house. Just as I was about to make my move, I thought, “What if the man caught up to me, or was already right outside of the door?” I would need a weapon. I thought fast and grabbed the pointiest tweezers in the drawer.
I held the tweezers the way Mrs. White held the knife in Carrie so I’d be able to stab with the most force should it come to that. (I really thought that part out because I really am that badazz.) I opened the door and looked around quickly. I saw nothing. I had planned to see someone lurking, dang it, so I didn’t know which way to go. Thinking fast, I went the way with the most available exits.
No sign of him. Was he hiding?
Then I felt a cold breeze.
At that point I began to panic slightly. (WHAT? Brandishing pointy tweezers was not because of panicking – that was planning.) I got a tad panicky because I had to briefly consider the possibility that I had imagined the man’s voice. This is how I briefly considered the possibility that I had imagined the man’s voice: “OH MY GOD THE PTSD IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN I’D THOUGHT!!! OH MY GOD I’M ACTUALLY INSANE AND HEARING VOICES!!!” But then I got a hold of myself because if I was actually that insane, my husband would not have been able to keep that to himself and surely would have told me so during an argument. WHAT?
I felt a cold breeze again.
I followed the cold breeze to the front door. It was wide open. I had entered the house through the garage. WHO LEFT THE FRONT DOOR WIDE OPEN? Just as I was deciding whether to flee out the front door or run back in and rescue my iPhone boyfriend and iPad goddess from the clutches of a probable serial killer, I saw the UPS truck pull away from the curb. And then I noticed that just inside the front door was a package from Amazon. Oh, good, the book my daughter wanted had arrived. Putting two and two together I realized that the UPS guy put the book inside of the house and yelled, “HELLOOOOO?” because the front door was wide open.
But how had that happened? Well, it was a VERY windy day and the door will blow open if it is left unlocked. I called my husband at work, and after a very brief interrogation period, he admitted to having been outside before he left for work and must have forgotten to lock the door. Obviously my husband learned nothing from watching all six seasons of The Sopranos. He would be sleeping with the fishes right now if he weren’t so darn cute.
This post is a true story. The names weren’t even changed because nobody mentioned is innocent anyway. Please tell me you have a similar story about a time that the UPS guy left you a book, so I’ll know that these things don’t only happen to me.