I read in the newspaper earlier this the week that the most recent addition to my stable of husbands, Adam Lambert, would be visiting his (and my daughter, Kristen’s) alma mater this week. I called Kristen.

Me: Kristen, when you went to Mt. Carmel, did you know Adam Lambert?

Kristen: Yeah . . . how do you know him?

Me: Clearly you haven’t read my blog lately, I married him.

Kristen: Oh God, Mom.

Me: He’s on American Idol.

Kristen: He is? You’re kidding.

Me: How did you know him?

Kristen: Mom, I didn’t really know him know him, I just knew of him. A lot of people knew of him, he was in theater and stuff. You probably even heard him sing the national anthem at a football game.

Me: Ooooo.

Kristen: Remember my friend, Sean? He was a friend of Adam’s. And Jenny was in theater with him. So I knew people who knew Adam. I didn’t personally know Adam.

Me: How does Sean spell his name?

Kristen: Oh God, Mom.

Meanwhile, it has been a busy week here at Blog This Mom!.

On Tuesday, while Adam Lambert sang Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love,” I got pregnant with our love child.

On Wednesday, I shopped online for a black leather layette.

On Thursday, the ultrasound revealed twins.

On Friday, Adam Lambert’s people scheduled time for him to come to Mt. Carmel High School to have a conjugal visit with me.

Naturally, I had to figure out a way to get on campus. Standing outside in the hot sun, peering through the fence wouldn’t be good for me in my condition. Sitting in the stands with the general public would not be suitable for the imaginary wife of a star. So I called my people where my people equals my friend, Helen, who is a teacher at Mt. Carmel. Helen told me I could come to her classroom before the event and then go sit with her in the stands on the Mt. Carmel side.

Despite morning sickness and swollen feet, I arrived at the Mt. Carmel campus about an hour before Adam Lambert was scheduled to appear.

There were all manner of big guys in red security jackets swarming the parking lot and blocking all the entrances. I approached the front entrance, and tried to appear very non-stalker-y.

Security: Ma’am, where are you going?

Me [looking around]: What’s going on here?

Security: Adam Lambert is going to be here.

Me [wondering if this would be going too far, but I’ve never been known to quit while I’m ahead]: Who is Adam Lambert?

Security: [Looking me in the eye.]

Me: [Looking back without blinking.]

Security: He’s an American Idol contestant.

Me: Oh. He’s coming here today?

Security: Yes.

Me: Why?

Security: He was a student here.

Me: Oh. No wonder I couldn’t get in the parking lot.

Security: Where were you headed?

Me [knowing that I’m about earn the hottest room in hell]: I’m volunteering for a teacher. She sure picked the wrong day to ask for my help, didn’t she?

Security: Yeah. Go ahead.

Me [relieved that they didn’t check my purse with camera, binoculars, and iPhone with my custom-designed Adam Lambert wallpaper]: Thanks. Good luck today.

I made a video of my conjugal visit with Adam Lambert. The audio is craptastic because hello high school sound system. And the video is only slightly less craptastic where slightly less craptastic equals holy hell is she kidding? because I shot it with the little Canon PowerShot SD1100 I’d hidden in my purse. The video is also jumpy because I could feel the babies kicking where feel the babies kicking equals standing in a crowd of screaming high school students. It can be watched in high quality though.

(Special Instructions for People Like Me: After you hit the play arrow on the video below, be sure to click the HQ button on the bottom right.)

In case anyone in my family needs last-minute Mother’s Day gift ideas, clearly I could use a new video camera. Oh, and some paraben-free eyeliner and black nail polish for the twins.

41 comments on “Adam Lambert & Blog This Mom: Our Conjugal Visit, With Video”

  1. I laughed out loud reading this post. The video commentary was equally humorous.

    What rock is your daughter living under that she hasn’t heard about this?!

  2. embrace your differences i’m slightly disappointed. can’t american idol prep these people better?

    but, yes, i love him, because you do. but still, anoop.

  3. You. Are. Brilliant! “Who is Adam Lambert?”
    “I’m volunteering for a teacher. She sure picked the wrong day to ask for my help, didn’t she?” (You’ve got good people, too!)

    Well, if you’re gonna get pregnant with a love child, “Whole Lotta Love” is definitely a good song to do it to. 😉

    Happy Mother’s Day!

  4. You are on sly little she-devil. It’s a good thing you got my permission to have this little visit.

    By the way, while you were volunteering, Tom and I had a little conjugal visit of our own. Oh, those arms. Those ARMS.

  5. I’m so glad that, thanks to Jason, Tom is not lonely during this time!

    And, I noticed that there were a couple ladies out there also sporting, what I can only imagine, as their own Adam Lambert ‘love child’ and I’m hoping this doesn’t, you know, get in your way at all. but, you ARE a lawyer so i’m sure they won’t be a problem.

    I’m wondering if when they show this on AI, will we actually see you? I’ll record it just in case!

    this is so fun watching you move closer and closer to the dark side…thank God you have your camera…you can send more videos!!

    Happy Mother’s Day, you crazy ball o’fun, you!!

  6. Frick! Are you kidding me? That was hilarious! I love that your darling Adam was able to find his wife (stalker) amongst the throngs of ordinary stalkers and point you out (to the police.)

    And I loved the copyright / disclaimer… I’m a lawyer yo!

  7. and to think I was all excited because Bridget Monet graduated with my sister once upon a time. From Mt. Carmel, no less.

    Did you know I was a Sundevil?

    By the way, can I borrow your full time husband for my 25 year reunion? I’m totally going for stunt casting this year.

  8. hahaha i wonder if when people and by people i mean security guards google fansites and by fansites I mean stalkers, they come across this and rememember you and blush cause they were fooled by a teacher, and by teacher I mean lawyer 😉

  9. K is completely willing to come to California to teach Laura how to ride her bike. She’s a little concerned about taking her quad-cycle & prefers to use the tandem bike for Laura’s lesson.

    K also suggested an alternative: come here and we’ll teach you how to ride a bike!

  10. He was totally looking back at you as the red car was leaving the track. That spunky girl was SO not his type. Good call.

    My boys have voted many, many, many times for Adam. I think Middle Boy wants to have Adam’s twins too. I’m cool with that.

    Great video! Loved your determination and if you end up in the hottest room in hell, you’ll be with the fun people and lots of friends. [See ya there. ;)]

    PS: Thanks for the HQ button tip. Needed it.

  11. I heart you in so many ways…that you can even take video, then jazz it up with replays and words and clips and songs. And then POST it? Heartheartheart.

    The Lawyer tag at the end? Killing this IP lawyer. We were made for each other. Why oh why you gotta have so many other spouses?

    And I only caught one episode of Idol this year. And of course it was the Randy Travis one, so again you made me spew my Diet Coke.

    But the touching part that for some reason made me tear up, seriously? Seeing this from YOUR side – the hometown side. I always got a kick out of this episode of Idol. But realizing – this kid went back home. HOME where he probably was a bit of an outsider, and now? He’s a Hero. An Idol. Coming home in TRIUMPH. Adored and loved because? Even if he wears black nail polish, the kid’s got PIPES and TALENT so Rock On Adam, even if I don’t dig the polish like your wife.

    Oops sorry for hijacking but you totally got to me on many levels with this one!!

  12. I like you got pregnant on Tue but did not have your conjugal visit till Friday… We aren’t going to have to throw you in with the virgin Mary now are we?

    I have a couple of clubs I have always wanted to go to. Are you security passing skills for hire?

    -Stu

  13. I would have kicked that camera man’s ass for sitting on my windshield frame like that. Get. your. ass. off. my. windshield.

    -Stu

  14. I’m sorry but I can’t get past your husbands tongue when he screams those high notes!

    Now, my husband Kris on the other hand *sigh*!!!! …and the best thing is he’s the perfect size to fit in my pocket!

  15. I’m watching IDOL right now BECAUSE OF YOU and thinking about you and your post and the video. Sorry we won’t catch each other next weekend. You rock so hard. I have to be honest – Adam is not my favorite. But if he survives tonight? I’ll be happy for YOU!!! (and the twins)

  16. OK, so I watched your video. It was good, it was funny, and you are a bit nutty … but Adam says that is OK so we’ll go with it. Anyway, I DON’T think you should get a new camera because you would just get to some scary level 🙂 Right now it is all cute and cuddly stalking. You bust out some 12 inch zoom lens on a big old camera and you went from cute to “holy crap, there she is again” 🙂

  17. Cherizandra Wentworth Lambert! I’m sitting hear trying not to laugh out loud because I’m too tired to work anymore, and I’m afraid your “mid wife” will figure out that I’m done for the day. Damn you, I’m laughing so much, that I’m now awake, and I really have no excuse not to continue building my gluten free monopoly. You can have your Adam Lambert, but he better be promoting 2Good2B…gluten free before those little stalker babies ask you why daddy wears more foundation and eyeliner than mommy.

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