I read in the newspaper earlier this the week that the most recent addition to my stable of husbands, Adam Lambert, would be visiting his (and my daughter, Kristen’s) alma mater this week. I called Kristen.
Me: Kristen, when you went to Mt. Carmel, did you know Adam Lambert?
Kristen: Yeah . . . how do you know him?
Me: Clearly you haven’t read my blog lately, I married him.
Kristen: Oh God, Mom.
Me: He’s on American Idol.
Kristen: He is? You’re kidding.
Me: How did you know him?
Kristen: Mom, I didn’t really know him know him, I just knew of him. A lot of people knew of him, he was in theater and stuff. You probably even heard him sing the national anthem at a football game.
Kristen: Remember my friend, Sean? He was a friend of Adam’s. And Jenny was in theater with him. So I knew people who knew Adam. I didn’t personally know Adam.
Me: How does Sean spell his name?
Kristen: Oh God, Mom.
Meanwhile, it has been a busy week here at Blog This Mom!.
On Tuesday, while Adam Lambert sang Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love,” I got pregnant with our love child.
On Wednesday, I shopped online for a black leather layette.
On Thursday, the ultrasound revealed twins.
On Friday, Adam Lambert’s people scheduled time for him to come to Mt. Carmel High School to have a conjugal visit with me.
Naturally, I had to figure out a way to get on campus. Standing outside in the hot sun, peering through the fence wouldn’t be good for me in my condition. Sitting in the stands with the general public would not be suitable for the imaginary wife of a star. So I called my people where my people equals my friend, Helen, who is a teacher at Mt. Carmel. Helen told me I could come to her classroom before the event and then go sit with her in the stands on the Mt. Carmel side.
Despite morning sickness and swollen feet, I arrived at the Mt. Carmel campus about an hour before Adam Lambert was scheduled to appear.
There were all manner of big guys in red security jackets swarming the parking lot and blocking all the entrances. I approached the front entrance, and tried to appear very non-stalker-y.
Security: Ma’am, where are you going?
Me [looking around]: What’s going on here?
Security: Adam Lambert is going to be here.
Me [wondering if this would be going too far, but I’ve never been known to quit while I’m ahead]: Who is Adam Lambert?
Security: [Looking me in the eye.]
Me: [Looking back without blinking.]
Security: He’s an American Idol contestant.
Me: Oh. He’s coming here today?
Security: He was a student here.
Me: Oh. No wonder I couldn’t get in the parking lot.
Security: Where were you headed?
Me [knowing that I’m about earn the hottest room in hell]: I’m volunteering for a teacher. She sure picked the wrong day to ask for my help, didn’t she?
Security: Yeah. Go ahead.
Me [relieved that they didn’t check my purse with camera, binoculars, and iPhone with my custom-designed Adam Lambert wallpaper]: Thanks. Good luck today.
I made a video of my conjugal visit with Adam Lambert. The audio is craptastic because hello high school sound system. And the video is only slightly less craptastic where slightly less craptastic equals holy hell is she kidding? because I shot it with the little Canon PowerShot SD1100 I’d hidden in my purse. The video is also jumpy because I could feel the babies kicking where feel the babies kicking equals standing in a crowd of screaming high school students. It can be watched in high quality though.
(Special Instructions for People Like Me: After you hit the play arrow on the video below, be sure to click the HQ button on the bottom right.)
In case anyone in my family needs last-minute Mother’s Day gift ideas, clearly I could use a new video camera. Oh, and some paraben-free eyeliner and black nail polish for the twins.