We have a winner, yo. I ran the number of comments on my last post through my transmogrifier, and number 25 was the winner. Congratulations Kelly at The Glass Dragonfly. You win a Save the Ta-Tas car magnet. I highly recommend that you don’t drive anywhere near a Volvo dealer with it on your car. Those guys are known criminals.

In other news, a certain person, who may or may not be named Stu, felt mislead by the title of my last post, “Breast Talk, Including a Covertly Taken Photo,” thinking for some odd reason that the covertly taken photo would be a photo of breasts. I can’t imagine why. However, I would never want it said that I was in any way misleading, so here are some photographs of my actual breasts:


Now can we move on from breast photos to breast talk?


On Monday, September 14, I posted a promise that I would call that day to make a follow-up mammogram appointment because my reminder card said appointments could only be made on M, W, or F. My doctor’s office prefers to do the scheduling of mammograms with the breast center (in the same building), so the mammogram and office visit can occur on the same day.

I called my doctor at 4 PM on Monday, September 14.

Gloria* told me she’d call me back on Wednesday because the breast center closed at 4 PM.

Gloria did not call back on Wednesday.

I called Gloria on Friday.

Gloria said the doctor’s computer scheduling system was down until the following Tuesday, and she’d call me back then.

I said that I thought the breast center was closed on Tuesdays, and Gloria said, “Oh, yeah,” and that she’d call back on the following Wednesday.

I was concerned that after she forgot the Wednesday before, maybe Wednesdays weren’t good for Gloria and another week would go by.

So, I asked if I could just call the breast center directly and make my own mammogram appointment, and then I would call back the following Tuesday and let Gloria know when it was.

Then Gloria and I wrangled a bit because my reminder card said “bilateral” (and I knew it is supposed to be), but Gloria thought the mammogram was only supposed to be for my left breast.

My right breast and I prevailed.

Gloria said to give her ten minutes to fax the order to the breast center.

An hour and a half later the order was faxed.

I made an appointment with the breast center for the mammogram. Both sides.

I called Gloria back that same day (still Friday) and told her that although I knew that the doctor’s computer scheduling system was down, I could give her the mammogram date, if she wanted it, so she could put it in her schedule when the computer system was up again.

Gloria said that would be great.

I gave her the date.

Gloria said that date wouldn’t work with the doctor’s schedule.

I did not ask how she knew that if the scheduling system was down.

Y’all, I’ve had some therapy and some trial advocacy training and three daughters (two of whom are grown). It’s a matter of asking the right question, you see.

So I asked, “What date would work?”

Gloria gave me the preferred date and I called the breast center to see if that was open. It wasn’t.

I called Gloria back to get a couple more options. One of them worked with the breast center.

I rescheduled the mammogram.

I called Gloria back and gave her the date.

Gloria said she put it in the doctor’s computer schedule (you know, the one that was supposed to be down until Tuesday).

And so, one week later, and several telephone calls, I have a mammogram and follow-up doctor appointments scheduled early next month.

On Wednesday of this week the breast center called me to see if I wanted an earlier appointment date.

Heck no. Gloria, my left breast, my right breast, and I finally have our schedules straight.

So, now I must ask . . .

Do you have a breast cancer detection plan? Are you current? And if you, you, you, you, or Stu is reading this, are your loved ones current?

I know the pain isn’t just having your breasts prodded, marked with a Sharpie, and smashed between cold metal plates.

Just scheduling the dang thing is a pain.

But you have to do it.

Or I’ll pursue you.

You know I will.

You know who you are.

If you want me off your back leave me a comment or send me an email that you’ve felt yourself up and that your appointment is scheduled.

That is all.

*Gloria was named Gloria to protect the innocent.

26 comments on “A Winner and More Breast Talk, Including Photos of My Actual Breasts Because Stu Asked”

  1. You’ll be happy to know that THIS post drove me to pick up the phone RIGHT NOW and I’m having both my right and left boobs smashed tomorrow morning at 10:15. Please think of me and both of my boobs at that time.

    Also? I made that ‘other’ appointment, too. Damn it. I HATE that appointment.

  2. Gary: Objects in photos may appear larger than they are.

    This phenomenon is owing to a little Secret whose first name may or may not be Victoria.


    Those objects think they’re birds and keep trying to migrate south. Something has to pull them back up where they belong.

  3. 1. I feel myself up constantly. They’re real, and they’re amazing.

    2. I asked about having a baseline mammogram, and I was told that I didn’t need to worry about it since my family history is clean and clear (at least on hooter cancer).

    3. I was not satisfied with this answer as some gross proportion of women who get breast cancer have no family history.

    4. My own mammogram will happen on Halloween. Because nothing will be more awesome than handing out candy after a boob-smushing.

  4. I’m just not certain I’ve got the energy to deal with the aggravation of making one of those appointments! So much for service!

    Regarding your reply to Gary, if you think the birds migrating south is offensive, try the old childhood trick of lying on your back and then swing your legs up in the air to do the bicycle pose with your hands supporting your lower back. See the birds migrate north and see that they are accompanied by a flock of other migrants, all migrating north all jiggling furiously.

    Lie down again. All the migrating eventually will cease. Stand up and then realize how much you appreciate gravity and just having two birds migrating south.

    You are welcome.

  5. thank you for the photographs of your breasts. i didn’t realize, until i studied the photographs, that your breasts have arms.
    please call the office to reschedule, because your current mammogram appointment does not include arms.

  6. This just frustrates me to no end! They take something that is very hard for women to even think about doing and make it 100 times harder!!! No wonder my mom didn’t go in for a second mammogram after the first one showed something irregular.

    She was not a persistent person.

    Damn. Damn these doctors offices and other medical people who make it so hard.

  7. The scenario you just described is enough to make me want to build my own contraption out of sticks and squirrel power and do it myself. Alas, I will not.

    I will make an appointment for November for my second exam post the reappearing/disappearing cyst stress I had last year.

    I hope your appointment runs smoothly. You deserve it after putting up with Stu and his comments. 🙂

  8. I was supposed to go back in six months to check up on a strange (but not particularly worrisome spot)…it’s been over a year and a half. I need to get on that.

    Good for you for bringing this up.

    Hey, it just occured to me that I haven’t heard from you in months. I think I finally get the message.

  9. Nice t-shirts! 😉
    I need to double-check the date of last year’s mammo to see if they will let me have one this soon… because heaven (or, you know, my HMO) forbid I should go more often than once a year. But I do keep October around as a reminder to actually make the appointment.
    The squishing last year wasn’t pleasant, but the technician commented on the nice images and let me see them. My boobs have never looked so impressive! I almost asked her for a copy… but she didn’t want me to post them on the internet, so I didn’t get to keep my pictures. And now I will forever be worried if the tech doesn’t let me see the images.

    My paternal grandmother fought breast cancer for over a dozen years. I do make sure to get the annual appointment, but I wish it wasn’t so difficult to actually MAKE the appointment.

  10. I won! Yay! I don’t understand the whole scheduling thing. They need to change their procedures.

    My doctor has a standing order with the Breast Center, I just call and make my own appointment, it doesn’t matter WHEN I’m scheduled to visit my Dr. If I had to jump through hoops I might be less likely to make it happen!!

    I go every year in the Spring and yes, I am current!!

  11. I’m going to have to ask for pictures more often 🙂

    Yes, my loved one is current. I check her as often as I can… plus she actually has seen a professional too.


  12. I had my pictures taken March 4, 2009. Of course my neurosis tells me they must have missed something so I obsess about it every now and then and think I should schedule an MRI.

  13. I’m not current and I have no plan. Thank you for this. I’m 43 and it’s time!

    [I’ve been nursing my nose, which will look very nice when I have my breasts examined.] Thank you!

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