Two weeks from today, my oldest daughter is getting married to the man of her dreams in a what is sure to be a lovely outdoor California summer afternoon wedding on a grassy spot near a chicken coop in a town where temperatures are predicted to be in the upper ’90s. I am not even making up the part about the chicken coop either.

Obviously, the real question on everyone’s mind lately is “What will Cheri wear?

To begin with, this is my dress. Obviously, when I wear this dress I will look exactly like the woman in the picture, except for the shoes:

What? It’s true. These are my shoes:

My shoes had to be:

a) sandals because my big toe is still totally messed up and I’m about to lose the nail again
b) platforms because heels would sink and my feet need to be up very high because I’m allergic to grass
c) up very high so that I can delude myself into believing that I will appear thinner
d) all of the above
e) none of the above matters because I’m going to fall off of the platforms and end up in ER before the ceremony even begins

If you’re nosy like me and wondering what the dress ($119 at Nordstrom) and shoes ($135 at Charles David) cost, it wasn’t too bad. So, pleased with myself for saving money by not going the haute couture route, I decided to pick up some new makeup. Things started going sideways for my husband’s retirement fund at the Mac counter when I was helped by a darling man wearing this:

Also? Laura’s college fund went by the wayside when I noticed that the Mac sales consultant God had eyes exactly like these:

As the Mac God was showing me various items in black lacquer pots and tubes and bottles, he reached out, took my hand, and looked right into my eyes.

Mac God (holding my hand): “Promise me something.”

Me: “Okay.”

Mac God: “When you apply makeup to your eyes, start at the brow and work down to the lashes.”

Me: “Okay.”

Mac God (squeezing my hand): “Promise me. Really.”

Me: “I promise.”

And I meant every word of it, too. Also? I bought every single thing he told me to buy.

Of course, I quickly realized that in order to actually put on the dress, I would need to put on two pair of these, which cost more than the dress, by the way:

Of course, I then realized that in order to actually put on two pair of Spanx, I would need to put this on my buttocks, thighs, and belly:

Of course, then I realized that in order to put on enough lube to put on two pair of Spanx, I would need to go here:

Dress? Check. Shoes? Check. Spanx x 2? Check. Makeup? Check. Promise to start eye makeup at brow? Check. W.A.I.T. Brows? Not check. Maybe I should get them waxed again, after all, my first experience getting my eyebrows waxed wasn’t so bad.

Except this is what happened when I went back, and, by the way, this is the good side . . .

And, I’m not even joking when I tell you that starting today my brow wounds developed scabs. Please promise me that they will be healed in two weeks. Please. It’s okay to lie about this. Promise me. Really.

There is good news though! While I was at the store looking for fake toenails, I spotted these:

But seriously folks?

None of the above matters one little bit (unless I do fall off the shoes and it ends up on YouTube) because . . .

All eyes will be exactly where they are supposed to be on my beautiful daughter’s wedding day. And judging by the look in his eyes now, I’d say the groom’s will be where they’re supposed to be for as long as they both shall live.

(Photos, not of the bride and groom and the one to be used in pending eyebrow-waxing litigation, were lovingly borrowed from Google Images and used for a greater good. “A greater good” being an exception to copyright laws, I’m pretty sure. Not that any copyright laws were violated, of course, because I’m not that sort of person. Duh.)

36 comments on “A Photo Essay by the Mother of the Bride”

  1. It is a very good sign that you still have your humor! Have fun and congrats to the mother of the bride!!! And if your a digital scrapper, I know of a great kit called ‘Egg Factory’ that would be great for the wedding album! lol

  2. Try putting Neosporine on the eyebrow scabs right now, again tonight, 2-4 times tomorrow, to be followed every day by the same regimen until the scabs are gone. DO NOT PICK AT THEM. After the scabs fall off (naturally, on their own), try putting Mederma on the red spots per the recommended doses on the package every day until the redness is gone. Trust me, I might just know something about this and might just have called a doctor friend for the above guidance.

  3. Oh. Dear. Your poor toe. And eyebrows.

    If it makes you feel any better, I had a patch over an eye 2 weeks before my wedding & had to wear birkenstocks as wedding shoes due to a foot strain. I survived the ordeal and, as you rightfully pointed out, all eyes will be on the bride!

  4. Ohmygoodnesssakes.

    I would love to be a fly in that chicken coop during this whole shindig. It’s going to be unforgettable! Especially when you show up with scabby eyebrows and two broken ankles. But I don’t care. My love knows no bounds.

    Who is giving the bride away? Adam Lambert?

  5. Hey, congrats on the impending nuptials. You are going to look fabulous in your new dress and high, high shoes, even if there is a chicken coop involved and a little eyebrow scarring.

  6. THere was a waiter at last night’s debutante ball who looked exactly like

    Adam Lambert.

    Although perhaps his eyes were not quite so piercing.

    I cannot wait to hear that healing took place, that the spanx were worn comfortably and most of all that the wedding was joyous!

  7. I still can’t believe you’re an MOB. Love the dress and shoes — you’ll look amazing when people occasionally glance your way as they admire your ability to walk in your platforms on grass.

    I’ve never had my eyebrows waxed, so I’m not help there. Sounds like you have a plan…

    The shot of your daughter and her fiance at the end of the post is fantastic. I adored every word and image of this! xo

  8. Killin’ me. I needed you this morning and you didn’t fail to deliver…I think I may have even got a little breakfast laughed out through my nose.

    Although I must admit, as sorry as I am about your toe, I was sad there were no more hawt toe doctor stories. Go back to see him. For the sake of your toe.

    LOVE the engagement photo.

  9. You are so funny! I would need 3 pairs of spanx to get into that dress. It is lovely though. And the shoes are FABULOUS! and the makeup…stunning. You are going to be a vision of loveliness!

    Congratulations to your daughter!

  10. Love it all – the dress, the shoes, the Adam Lambert eyes, the make-up, and the photo of the starring couple.

    Not the spanx. I don’t think I love the spanx at all. Can I be sure if I wear these death-gripping industrial underwear, that they will push the roll all the way up to look like part of my boobs rather than leaving me with a pool floatie around my substantial mid-section? This is the question I have….

  11. I lost count of how many times I busted out laughing reading this. And then by the end you ruined it when you made me cry with that comment about his eyes on her and then you had the audacity to add that very adorable picture.


    Congratulations! My best to your daughter.

  12. that dress?? absolutely gorgeous!! and i think that even if you had to be in a wheelchair, it would look great sitting down!!
    Wait! you can get Spanx in “higher power”??? does this mean they are refering to themselves on the same level as, oh, say…God? wow. i hope someone in their advertising dept. got a big promotion for THAT one!! haha!

    That picture? the last one? yeah…it kind of made me tear up a bit…i hope that one is in a frame, somewhere it can be seen all the time!
    congratulation to them…and the rest of the family!!

  13. Go see your hawt toe doctor; I bet he has a hawt derm buddy.
    I will never ever ever get my brows waxed (thanks for that picture) but I WILL be gaga the rest of the day because of that sweet picture of the bride and groom.

  14. You will look stunning–I’ve no doubt about it! Even if you don’t have eyebrows!
    I need to find your make up guy.
    And funny: I just bought Spanx this last week so I could wear a dress to a wedding. On the flip side, the day I bought the Spanx, my husband renewed his commitment (for the 7,439th time) to his weight loss plan. Some of us are quitters.

  15. From the brow down to the lashline? What? The? Monkeys? I have no idea how one would do that. Also? What the hell is Mac? Does this happen at the Apple store? Does this service come with a Powerbook or a MacBook Pro? Why don’t I understand anything in this post that has to do with makeup?

  16. haha. you crack me up.
    i admire how brave you are, wearing sandals with a messed toenail. by the way, a good pedicurist can do wonders for you in that regard.
    that mac guy’s eyes look eerily adam-like.
    i love that nordstrom dress and the sexy shoes.
    nobody will notice that wild crows have been pecking your eyebrows.
    you won’t have to wear the extra pair of spanx over your head.
    you *will* heal in time for the wedding.
    you are going to look beautiful, absolutely.
    i’m happy for you and your eldest daughter. best wishes and have fun!

  17. Hot waxing your eyebrows are you?? I dunno. What’s the alternative? Threading? I saw a woman doing that the other day and the client looked MOST uncomfortable. Try Bio Oil on the wounds.

  18. First, congratulations to the lovely bride and groom!

    And your encounter with the Mac rep made me want to reach for my pocketbook – I think its a reflex action.

    So so sorry about the brows. I had that happen to me once only it was on the upper lip – I looked like John Waters for a week.

    In future, find a threading salon!! Look in an Indian or Iranian community. The pain is less and the lasting injury is way less, and the price is cheaper.

    If you wear the Spanx, remember Mrs. G’s story – take a pair of scissors with you!!!

    I love your shoes!

  19. What? There is something un-romantic about a chicken coop as wedding background? Please don’t tell my children who will eventually learn there is no money in the account labeled “wedding fund” and if they want me to pay for their wedding they will learn to find chicken coops very romantic.

  20. I don’t even know what to comment about first…so I will say CONGRATS on the wedding, which I am sure will be lovely and you will look beautiful in that awesome dress and cute shoes.

    BTW…I got married on a grassy lawn in a heat wave. Other than everyone being drenched in sweat, all went well and I wouldn’t have done it any differently.

  21. Oh, dear. I’m suddenly panicking. What if my daughter and her boyfriend get serious? and she comes home from this visit (she’s visiting him while she takes a summer course) with a ring on? I can’t stand Jiffy Lube! Or platform sandals – I’m a klutz! But I do have a sense of humor.

  22. Okay, half those pics didn’t come up on my computer. I love the shoes however. The make up? You bought everything? Girl, next time I’m going with you. We’ll buy me lunch with all the cash you save.

    Mazel Tov on the wedding

  23. hi. it’s just me. missing you. hoping that you are just enjoying the summer holiday and not, you know, in one of those “i’ve fallen and i can’t get up” kind of situations (emotionally OR physically). i hope you and all of yours are good.
    much love,

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